6371 



!R 



535 



Conundrums 



Dean Rivers 



CONTAINING ONE THOUSAND 
OF THE LATEST AND BEST 
CONUNDRUMS GATHERED 
FROM EVERY CONCEIVABLE 
SOURCE, AND INCLUDING MANY 
THAT ARE ENTIRELY NEW 



Philadelphia 

The Penn Publishing Company 

1921 



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fftAK5FEa*£0 FBOH 
HQV 3 »! 



Copyright 1893 by The Penn Publishing Company 



Copyright 1900 by The Penn Publishing Company 



Copyright 1921 by The Penn Publishing Company 
Proprietors 



JUL 14 71 



S~/Y 



PREFACE 

A taste for guessing puzzles and enigmas is co- 
eval with the race. The early Greeks were ex- 
tremely fond of such intellectual exercises, and 
they are found in the language of all civilized 
nations. One of the brightest forms of these 
puzzles is that of the conundrum, the answer of 
which is usually a play upon words similar to the 
jun. Each language has its own particular form 
if this kind of wit, but the English language, on 
.ccount of its composite nature, is especially rich 
in such forms of wit and humor. 

The compiler of this little volume has made a 
choice selection of conundrums from those in 
actual use among people belonging to refined and 
cultured society. They are classified under four 
principal heads — General Conundrums, Biblical 
Conundrums, Poetical Conundrums, and French 
Conundrums. Some of the most ingenious and 
interesting forms of wit will be found under each 
of these classes. 

In addition to these conundrums, the book con- 
tains a rare collection of arithmetical puzzles. 
These were especially prepared for the work by a 
mathematician of wide reputation who has used 

3, ' 



many of them in one of his own publications. 
Tney will be found of great interest to those whe 
have a taste for numbers and their curious com- 
binations and results. 

The collection as a whole will afford innocent 
recreation for the fireside and social circle, and 
thus contribute to the happiness of those who 
enjoy the higher forms of pleasure that flow from 
the exercise of the mind upon those subjects that 
require quickness of thought and a nimble wit. 

The Authou 



CONTENTS 



General Conundrums, 9 

Biblical Conundrums. . . * * . 

Poetical Conundrums, ^ 125 

French Conundrums, , s . . • • 133 
Arithmetical Puzzles, ••**.. 157 



General Conundrums 



Genbkal Conundrums 



Why is life the greatest of all conundrums ? 
Because we must all give it up. 

When may an army be said to be totally de- 
stroyed ? When its soldiers are all in quarter^ 

Which is swifter, heat or cold? He" 
because you can catch cold. 

Why is a young lady like a letter ? Because 
if she isn't well stamped the mails (males) 
won't take her. 

Why are dudes no longer imported into this 
country from England? Because a Yankee 
dude '11 do (Yankee doodle doo). 

What flowers can be found between the nose 
and chin ? Tulips (two lips). 

Why is a dude' s hat like swearing ? Because 
it is something to avoid. 

How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to 
by the English prayer-book ? Sixteen : Four 
richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. 

9 



Why is a bright young lady like a spoon in a 
cup of tea ? Because she is interesting (in tea 
resting). 

Why does a young man think his sweetheart 
is like a door-knob ? Because she is something 
to adore (a door). 

Why is the emblem of the United States more 
enduring than that of France, England, Ireland, 
or Scotland ? 

The Lily may fade and its leaves decay, 

The Rose from its stem may sever, 
The Shamrock and Thistle may pass away, 
But the Stars will shine forever. 

Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it 
needs two heads and an application. 

What is the shape of a kiss ? Elliptical. 

Why is a kiss like gossip ? Because it goes 
from mouth to mouth. 

When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle 
does it make ? A rebus. 

What is it George Washington seldom saw, 
God never saw, and we see every day ? Our 
equals. 

What is better than God, worse than the 
devil, the dead live on, and the living would die 
if they lived on ? Nothing, 



Prove by logic that an oyster fe better than 
heaven. Nothing is better than heaven ; an 
oyster is better than nothing ; therefore an 
oyster is better than heaven. 

What is the difference between a honeymoon 
and a honeycomb ? One is a big sell, the other 
little cells. 

Why is a man who makes pens a wicked 
man ? Because he makes men steel (steal) pens 
and then says they do write (right). 

What is the difference between a lady and an 
apple ? One you have to get side her to squeeze, 
and the other you have to squeeze to get cider. 

Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of 
in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did 
murder most foul. 

Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during 
the week ? Because during the week you get 
it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by 
the choir. 

Which death would you prefer to die, Joan 
of Arc's or Mary Stuart's ? Most people prefer 
Joan of Arc's, because they like a hot steak 
better than a cold chop. 

What great writer's name might you appro- 
priately mention if you were standing by th* 
grave of Bob Ingersoll ? Robert Burns. 



What three great writers names might you 
think of if you were watching a house burn 
down ? Dickens, Howett, Burns. 

If you were invited out to dinner and on 
sitting down to the table saw nothing but a 
beet, what would you say ? That beet's all. 

Give a definition of love. An inward inex- 
pressibility and an outward alloverishness ; or, 
the classical definition of a collegiate is, " Love 
is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fu- 
sion of the intellect, sensibility, and will." 

n is charity like a top ? When it begins 
to hum. 

Why is a man sometimes like dough ? Not 
because a woman needs (kneads) him, but be- 
cause he is hard to get off of her hands. 

Why does a minister always say " dearly 
beloved brethren " and not refer to the sisters ? 
Because the brethren embrace the sisters. 

What part of a ragged garment resembles the 
Pope's title? Its Holiness. 

Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor 
alike ? Because they have both stopped quack- 
ing. 

When is the best time to read from the book 
of nature ? Wnen the spring opens the leaves 
And the autumn turns them. 



»3 

In what liquid does the Queen of England 
take her medicine ? In cider (side her). 

Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer ? 
Because he lies on one side, then turns around 
and lies on the other. 

Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? 
Because they press their suits. 

When is a man of greatest use at the dinner- 
table ? When he is a spoon. 

What is the difference between a rejected ard 
an accepted lover ? One misses the kisses asc. 
the other kisses the misses. 

What is the difference between a church dea- 
con and a little rag-a-muffin ? One passes the 
sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the ptio^. 

Why is a lover like a knocker ? Because he 
is bound to adore (a door). 

In what colored ink should we write our se- 
crets? In violet (inviolate). 

Why is a young lady like an arrow? Be- 
cause she can't go off without a bow (beau), 
and is in a quiver till she gets one. 

If a young lady fell into a well why couldn't 
her brother help her out ? Because, how oould 
he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too ? 



If all the women went to China, where would 
the men go ? To Pekin. 

Why does a Russian soldier wear brass but- 
tons on his coat, and an Austrian soldier wear 
steel ones ? To keep his coat buttoned. 

What is the difference between an old penny 
and a new dime ? Nine cents. 

How is the best way to make a coat last ? 
To make the trousers and vest first. 

What word of four syllables would a man utter 
if he should eat his wife and wanted to express 
his approbation of the deed ? Gladiator (glad 
I ate her). 

Why does a cat look on first one side and 
then another when she enters a room ? Because 
she can't look on both sides at the same 
time. 

Why is a widower like a young baby ? Be- 
cause he cries a great deal the first six months, 
looks around the second six months, and has 
hard work to get through his second summer. 

Why is Philadelphia more subject to earth- 
quakes than any other city ? Because she is a 
Quaker city. 

Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irish- 
man rolling down a hill ? Because he's patrol- 
ing (Pat rolling;. 



IS 

If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, 
in what order would they come ? They would 
all get there down to S, and the rest would come 
after T. 

What would contain all the snuff in the 
world ? No one nose (knows). 

Why is a hound like a man with a bald head ? 
Because he makes a little hare (hair) go a long 
ways. 

What is the first thing a man sets in his gar- 
den ? His foot. 

Who were the first astronomers ? The sta, 
because they have studded the heavens ever 
since the creation. 

When may you be said to imbibe a piano . 
When you have a piano for tea (pianoforte). 

When may bread be said to be alive ? When 
it has a little Indian in it. 

Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit 
half-dollar passed on him want to get married ? 
To get a better half. 

Why does a sculptor die a most horrible 
death ? Because he makes faces and busts. 

Why do we generally dub a city her or she ? 
Because about a city there is so much bv^tle 
and because she has outskirts. 



I* , 

Why does a hair-dresser die a sad death? 
Because he curls up and dies (dyes). 

Why are washwomen great flirts ? Because 
they wring men's bosoms. 

If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what 
is squeezing point ? Two in the shade. 

Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is 
a zephyr : a zephyr is a yarn, a yarn is a story, 
a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an at- 
tachment is love, and love is blind ; therefore, 
the winds are blind. 

Why is a married man like a fire ? Because 
he provokes his wife by going out at night. 

Why is a pig's brain larger than any other 
animal's ? Because he has a hog's head full. 

Where was the first Adams Express Company 
located? In the Garden of Eden, when Eve 
was created. 

What is the difference between a young lady 
and a mouse ? One charms the he's, the other 
harms the cheese. 

Why are men like facts ? Because they sire 
stubborn things. 

What is the difference between a gardener and 
a Chinaman ? One keeps the lawn wet, the 
other keeps the lawn dry (laundry). 



Wb* is a young lady's age after she has 
reached twenty -five like a floral wedding-bell ? 
Because it is never told. 

When is a door not a door? When it's an 
egress (a negress). 

Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she 
deals in precious tones (precious stones). 

When is a bee a great nuisance ? When it is 
a humbug. 

A New Yorker asks : What popular book 
could the two cities, New York and Philadel- 
phia, be compared to ? The Quick or the Dead. 

Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer tha!^ 
in winter ? Because in winter he wears a fu 
coat and in summer he wears a coat an 
pants. 

Why is it more dangerous to go out in the 
spring than any other time of the year ? Be- 
cause in the spring the grass has blades, the 
flowers have pistils, the leaves shoot, and the 
bullrushes out. 

What is the difference between a hill and a 
pill ? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to 
get down. 

Why is a lazy dog like a hill ? Because he 
is a slow pup (slope up). 



18 

A man and goose once went up in a balloon 
together, the balloon burst and they landed on 
a church steeple, how did the man get down ? 
Plucked the goose. 

Why is a man riding up a hill like a man 
taking a young dog to a lady ? Because he is 
taking a gallop up (gal a pup). 

Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man ? 
Because he is always looking down in the 
mouth and dams all his patients. 

What is the difference between a king's son, 
a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an or- 
phan? A king's son is the heir- apparent, a, 
monkey's mother is a hairy parent, a bald head 
has no hair apparent, and an orphan has nary 
a parent. 

If William Penn's aunts kept a pastry shop, 
what would be the prices current of their pies ? 
The pie rates of Penn's Aunts (Pirates of Pen- 
zance). 

What celebrated man in English history 
might you name if you wished to tell your ser- 
vant to replenish the fire in your grate ? Philip 
the Great (fill up the grate). 

A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep 
and one died, how many remained? Nine- 
teen. 



*9 

What is the difference between an Irishman 
on a bleak mountain-top and a Scotchman? 
One is kilt with the cowld and the other is 
cowled with the kilt. 

If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what 
would the wood come to burned on them for 
one month ? Come to ashes. 

What is the difference between Niagara Falls 
and Queen Elizabeth ? One is a wonder, the 
other is a Tudor. 

What is a soldier's definition of a kiss? A 
report at headquarters. 

Why is it easy to break into an old mans 
house ? Because his gait (gate) is broken and 
his locks are few. 

What word of only three syllables combines 
in it twenty-six letters ? Alphabet. 

Where can one always find happiness ? In 
the dictionary. 

When will there be but twenty-five letters in 
the alphabet ? When U and I are one. 

Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to 
believe in the existence of young ladies ? Be- 
cause he calls every miss a mith. 

What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of 
Orleans. 



Why are your eyes like friends separated by 
the ocean ? Because they correspond but never 
meet. 

Why is a lady who faints in a public place 
like a good intention ? Because she needs car- 
rying out. 

What is the brightest idea in the world? 
Your eye, dear. 

What animal drops from the clouds? The 
rain, dear (reindeer). 

I went out walking one day and met three 
beggars ; to the first I gave ten cents, to the 
second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I 
gave but five — what time of day was it ? A 
quarter to three. 

What is that which by losing an eye has 
nothing left but a nose ? Noise. 

Why is a hen immortal ? Because her son 
never sets. 

What is that which is full of holes and yet 
holds water ? A sponge. 

What will impress the ear more sharply than 
a falsetto voice ? A false set of teeth. 

What is that which is put on the table and 
cut, but is never eaten. A pack of cards. 



What is the oldest table in the world ? The 
multiplication table. 

Which river is the coldest ? The Isis (ice is). 

Why are cats like unskillful surgeons ? Be- 
cause they mew till late and destroy patience 
(patients). 

Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare 
was a broker ? Because no othei man has fur- 
nished so many stock quotations. 

How can you distinguish a fashionable ma i 
from a tired dog? One wears an entire cos 
tume, the other wears simply a coat and pant 

Why is a youth trying to raise a moustact 
like a cow's tail ? Because he grows down. 

Why is a professional thief very comfortable ? 
Because he usually takes things so easy. 

When is a man obliged to keep his word ? 
When no one will take it. 

Why is an attractive woman like a successful 
gambler? Because she has such winning ways. 

Why is the food one eats on an ocean 
steamer like a difficult conundrum ? Because 
one is obliged to give it up. 

Why are stout men usually sad? Because 
they are men of sighs (size). 



at 

Why are two young ladies kissing each other 
an emblem of Christianity ? Because they are 
doing unto each other as they would that men 
should do unto them. 

What is the difference between a woman and 
an umbrella ? You can shut an umbrella up. 

Why would it be very appropriate for a man 
named Benjamin to marry a girl named Annie ? 
Because he would be Bennie-fitted and she 
Annie-mated. 

Why is this continent like milk ? Because 
it's ours (it sours). 

What is the color of the winds and waves in 
a severe storm ? The winds blew (blue), the 
waves rose. 

Why is a baker a most improvident person ? 
Because he is continually selling that which he 
kneads himself. 

What is it we all frequently say we will do 
and no one has ever yet done ? Stop a minute. 

How can you by changing the pronunciation 
of a word only turn mirth into crime ? By 
making man's laughter manslaughter. 

Why is a room full of married people like an 
empty room? Because there is *ot a single 
person in it. 



*3 

Which one of the United States is the largest 
and most popular ? The state of matrimony. 

Which nation produces the most marriages ? 
Fascination. 

When is a horse like a house ? When he has 
blinds on. 

Why is a bridegroom often more expensive 
than a bride ? Because the bride is given away, 
but the bridegroom is often sold. 

Why is divinity the easiest of all professions ? 
Because it is easier to preach than to practice. 

When is love, deformed ? When it is all on 
one side. 

What is the difference between a butcher and 
a flirt ? One kills to dress, and the other dresses 
to kill. 

When was B the first letter in the alphabet ? 
In the days of No-a (Noah). 

How can I remove A from the alphabet ? B- 
head it. 

Why is A like a honeysuckle ? Because a B 
follows it. 

Why is modesty the strongest characteristic 
of a watch ? Because it always keeps its hands 
before its face, and runs down its own works. 



Why is it rijrht for B to come before C ? Be- 
cause we must B before we can C. 

Why are two t's like hops? Because they 
make beer better. 

What kind of sense does a girl long for in a 
disagreeable suitor ? Absence. 

Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the 
head of a pair of stairs ? Because it sometimes 
runs down. 

Who are the two largest ladies in the United 
States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri 
and Mississippi). 

What key in music would make a good 
officer ? A sharp major. 

What is the key-note to good manners ? B 
natural. 

Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp ? Be- 
cause he is A flat. 

What do ladies look for when they go to 
church? The Sams (psalms) and hims 
(hymns). 

Why are married men like steamboats ? Be- 
cause they are sometimes blown up. 

What ship contains more people than the 
4 ' Great Eastern "? Courtship. 



Why is a ship like a woman ? Because she 
is often tender to a man-of war ; often running 
after a smack ; often attached to a buoy (boy) ; 
and frequently making up to a peer (pier). 

Why do women make good post-office clerks ? 
Because they know how to manage the mails 
(males). 

Why is lip-salve like a chaperon ? Because it 
is intended to keep the chaps away. 

If a paL of andirons cost $7.75, what wou • 
a ton of coal come to ? To ashes. 

What is worse than raining cats and dog. c 
Hailing omnibuses. 

Why is an umbrella like a pancake ? B j 
cause it is seldom seen after L,ent. 

On what day of the year do women talk the 
least ? The shortest day. 

What is that which every living person has 
seen, but will never see again ? Yesterday. 

What is the difference between dead soldiers 
and repaired garments ? The former are dead 
men, and the latter are mended (dead). 

Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may 
you be described as stepping into his shoes? 
Because you make his feet yours (features). 



Why may a beggar wear a very short coat ? 
Because it will be long enough before he gets 
another. 

Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note 
or five gold dollars? The note, because when 
you put it in your pocket you double it, and 
when you take it out again you see it increases. 

What is the difference between the Prince of 
Wales and the water in a fountain ? One is 
heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. 

Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon 
wheel ? Because she is surrounded by felloes 
(fellows). 

When is it dangerous to enter a church? 
When there is a canon in the reading-desk, a 
great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges 
the congregation. 

What is the difference between form and cere* 
mony? You sit upon one and stand on the 
other. 

What is the most awkward time for a train 
to start? 12.50, as it's ten to one if you catch 
it. 

Why can negroes be safely trusted with 
secrets ? Because they are sure to keep dark. 

Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal ? 
Because he always has his back up. 



Why are doctors bad characters? Because 
the worse people are the more they are with 
them. 

Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unlady- 
like thing when she married the late Lord Rag- 
land Somerset ? Because she turned a Somerset. 

Why can the world be compared to music? 
Because it is so full of sharps and flats. 

Why does a goose go into the water ? For 
diver's reasons. 

Why does a goose come out of the water ? 
For sun-dry reasons. 

Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse ? 
Because the more you lick it the faster it goes. 

Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage- 
stamp ? Because you lick him with a stick and 
stand him in the corner. 

Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels ? Be- 
cause it is in the centre of bliss, w T hile E is in 
hell and all the others are in purgatory. 

What is the longest word in the English 
language ? Smiles, because there is a mile be- 
tween the first and last letter. 

Why have chickens no fear of a future state ? 
Because they have their next world (necks 
twirled) in this. 



Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted! 
Because it is unlawful to condemn a man with- 
out a hearing. 

Why is a man who beats his wife like a thor- 
ough-bred horse? Because he's a perfect 
brute. 

What is that which you can keep after giving 
to some one else ? Your word. 

Why are teeth like verbs ? Because they are 
regular, irregular, and defective. 

Why is Queen Victoria like a hat ? Because 
they both have crowns. 

Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean ? Be» 
cause it contains many currants. 

Who may marry many a wife and still bo 
single all his life ? A clergyman. 

Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? Be- 
cause it once had a Solon (sole on). 

Why are washerwomen great travelers ? Be- 
cause they are continually crossing the line and 
running from pole to pole. 

What part of a fish is like the end of a book ? 
The fin-is. 

What is a common miracle in Ireland ? Wak* 
ing the dead. 



Why are bachelors bad grammarians ? Be 
cause when asked to conjugate they invariably 
decline. 

When could the British Empire be purchased 
for the lowest sum ? When Richard the Third 
offered his kingdom for a horse. 

What is the largest room in the world ? The 
room for improvement. 

Why is a street-car like the heart of a co- 
quette ? Because there is always room for one 
more to be taken in. 

When may a man be said to breakfast be/:. 
he gets up ? When he takes a roll in bed. 

Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other 
dealers ? Because it won't do for them to crack 
up their goods. 

What is it that a gentleman has not, never 
can have, and yet can give to a lady ? A hus- 
band. 

Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat 
full of water? Because he requires bailing 
out. 

When does a ship tell a falsehood ? When 
she lies at the wharf. 

When is a theatrical manager like an as- 
tronomer ? When he discovers a new star. 



What is tne difference between a mother ana 
a barber ? The latter has razors to shave and 
the former has shavers to raise. 

Why are pianos noble characters ? Becaujie 
they are grand, upright, and square. 

What are they which, though always drunk, 
are never intoxicated ? Toasts. 

When is a fowl's neck like a bell ? Whe» 
it's rung for dinner. 

Why is a crow the bravest bird in the w T orld ? 
Because it never shows the white feather. 

Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold ? 
Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and 
sometimes the noes (nose). 

Why are some girls like old muskets ? Be- 
cause they use a good deal of powder, but won't 
go off. 

What kind of medicine does a man take for 
a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (an' he 
licks her). 

Why is a dirty man like flannel ? Because 
he shrinks from washing. 

What is the difference between a young 
maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty ? 
One is happy and careless, and the other is 
cappy and hairless. 



Why is a pair of skates like an apple ? Be* 
cause they have both occasioned the fall of 
man. 

What is most like a hen stealing ? A cock- 
robin. 

If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would 
he go to get another ? To a grog-shop, because 
bad spirits are retailed there. 

Why is a young man engaged to a young 
lady like a man sailing for a port in France 
Because he is bound to Havre (have her). 

Why is the opening of a new dry-goods sto 
like a house on fire ? Because it starts all tl 
bells (belles) in the city. 

Why would it be impossible to starve in £ 
desert of Sahara ? Because of the sand whi« _ 
is (sandwiches) there. 

How did the sandwiches get there ? When 
Ham was sent there with his folio wer§, who 
were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard). 

If a tough beefsteak could speak, what Eng- 
lish poet would it mention ? Chaucer (chaw, 
sir). 

Why can you never expect a fisherman to be 
generous ? Because his business makes him 
sell fish. 



3* 

When is a bonnet not a bonnet ? When it 
becomes a pretty woman. 

Why are young ladies bad grammarians? 
Because so few can decline matrimony. 

Why can a blind man always see his father ? 
Because the father is always apparent (a 
parent). 

What does Washington, D. C, stand for? 
Washington, daddy of his country. 

Why was a defeated candidate after the late 
election, like the earth ? Because he was flat- 
tened at the poles. 

When was beef the highest ? When the cow 
jumped over the moon. 

What ailment is the oak most subject to? 
A corn (acorn). 

Why does a horse eat in a very odd way ? 
Because he eats best when he has not a bit in 
his mouth. 

What is the only organ without stops ? A 
woman's organ of speech. 

Give an Irishman's definition of a lake. A 
hole in the tay-kettle. 

Why is man superior to woman ? Because 
woman is only a side issue. 



33 

Why is a lady when sick at sea like some 
of our literary men ? Because she is a con- 
tributor to the Atlantic. 

Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty? 
11 Because she is a joy (jaw) forever.' ' 

What is the proper length for a young lady 
to wear her dress ? A little above two feet. 

Why is a man who never bets as bad as a 
gambler ? Because he is no bettor (better). 

When is a cigar like dried beef? When ' 
is smoked. 

What table has no legs to stand upon ? The 
multiplication table. 

How do young ladies sometimes show tht 
dislike to mustaches ? By setting their facv 
against them. 

Why are there three objections to taking a 
glass of brandy ? Because there are three scru- 
ples to a dram. 

Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected 
man ? Because it's down in the mouth. 

What is that which we often return, but never 
borrow ? Thanks. 

What animals are always seen at funerals t 
Black kids. 



What is the difference between a French 
pastry cook aud a bill sticker ? One puffs up 
paste, the other pastes up puffs. 

Why is it vulgar to sing and play by your- 
self? Because it's so low (solo). 

Why is a dog biting his tail like a good 
manager ? Because he makes both ends meet. 

Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by 
day ? Because at night he is let out, and in 
the day he is taken in. 

Why did the Highlanders do most execution 
at Waterloo ? Because every man had one kilt 
before the battle. 

At what game do the waves of the sea play ? 
At pitch and toss. 

Why are fowls the most economical things a 
farmer can keep ? Because for every grain they 
give a peck. 

What is the difference between a pitcher of 
water and a man throwing his wife over a 
bridge ? One is water in the pitcher, the other 
is pitch her in the water. 

When is a young lady not a young lady ? 
When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart). 

i What confection did they have in the ark ? 
Preserved pairs (pears). 



'S5 

Why should architects make excellent actors ? 
Because they are good at drawing houses. 

What weapon does a young man use if he 
kisses a young lady by mistake ? A blunder- 
buss. 

What is the difference between an auction 
and seasickness ? One is a sale of effects, the 
other the effects of a sail. 

What should a clergyman preach about? 
About a half of an hour. 

Why is an orange like a church steeple ? Be- 
cause we have a peel from it. 

What kind of a cat do we usually find in a 
large library ? A cat-alogue. 

What sea would a man like to be in on a wet 
day ? Adriatic (a dry attic). 

Why was the French Empress always in bad 
company ? Because she was always surrounded 
by Paris-ites. 

When was Napoleon First most shabbily 
dressed ? When out at Elba (elbow). 

When was wit a father ? When a pun be- 
came apparent (a parent). 

What grows the less tired the more it works ? 
A carriage wheel. 



36 

Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever 
erected ? Because it was partly built for one 
sovereign, and finished for another. 

What is the difference between a cradle and 
the grave ? The one is for the first-born, the 
other for the last bourne. 

How is an elephant's head different from 
every other head ? Because, if you cut his 
head off from his body, you don't take it from 
the trunk. 

Why does a stingy German like mutton bet- 
i ter than vension ? Because he prefers ' * zat vich 
is sheep to zat vich is deer. ' ' 

Which is the most wonderful animal in the 
farmyard? A pig, because he is killed and 
then cured. 

Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey ? 
Because it was far-fetched and full of nonsense. 

If a tree were to break a window, what would 
the window say ? Tre-mend-us. 

What trees has fire no effect upon ? Ashes, 
as when burned, they're ashes still. 

What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the 
violet ? Wilt thou, and it wilted. 

When is a large river good for th* eyes? 
When it's eye (high) water. 



SI 

What is the difference between a cloud and 
a whipped child? One pours with rain, the 
other roars with pain. 

What musical instrument invites you to fish } 
Cast-a-net. 

What river is that which runs between two 
seas ? The Thames, which runs between Chel- 
sea and Batter-sea. 

What is the difference between a fishermr 
and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hoo*; ; 
the other hates his book. 

What is that which you break by even flam- 
ing it ? Silence. 

When has a man four hands? When he 
doubles his fists. 

What is the most difficult river on which to 
get a boat? Arno, because they're Arno boats 
there. 

What is the smallest bridge in the world ? 
The bridge of your nose. 

What is the difference between a spendthrift 
and a pillow ? One is hard up, the other is 
•oft down. 

What is the difference between a hen and an 
idle musician ? One lays at pleasure the othei 
plays at leisure. 



•3* 

Why are deaf people like India shawls? Be» 
pause you can't make them here (hear). 

Why are book-keepers like chickens ? Be* 
cause they have to scratch for a living. 

What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to 
wish for? One that blows fowl and chops 
About. 

What tongue is it that frequently hurts and 

frieves you, and yet does not speak a word ? 
lie tongue of your shoe. 

Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy pro- 
ceeding ? Because it makes it hollow. 

What is that from which you may take away 
the whole and still have some left ? The word 
wholesome. 

When is a newspaper the sharpest ? When 
it is filed. 

Why is English grammar like gout? Be- 
cause it's torture (taught yer). 

Give a good definition of a button. A small 
cffair that is always coming off. 

What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, 
*ver known ? That recorded of a man who 
commenced by bolting a door, after which he 
threw up a window, and then sat down and 
swallowed a whole story. 



39 

What is the difference between a choir mas- 
ter and a lady's dress? The one trains a 
choir, the other acquires a train. 

Why has a great gymnast very wonderful 
digestion ? Because he lives on ropes and paler 
and thrives. 

What is a singular and melancholy fact in 
the history of Milton ? That he could recite 
his poems but could not resight himself. 

Why is Canada like courtship ? Because it 
borders on the United States. 

• What is the difference between a farmer and 
a seamstress ? One gathers what he sows, the 
other sews what she gathers. 

What is the difference between a cow anc an 
old chair? One gives milk, the other gives 
way (whey). 

Why is a washerwoman like Saturday ? Be- 
cause she brings in the clothes (close) of the 
week. 

Why is an actress like an angel? Because 
we seldom see one that is not painted. 

At what time by the clock is a pun most 
effective ? When it strikes one. 

What is that which never asks any questions, 
but requires so many answers ? The door-bell. 



What kind of a book do some men wish theit 
wives might resemble ? An almanac, for then 
they could have a new one every year. 

Why does the conductor cut a hole in your 
iilroad ticket ? To let you pass through. 

Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is 
it specimen of hardware (wear). 

Why is a list of celebrated musical composers 
like a sauce-pan? Because it is incomplete 
without a Handel. 

In what key should a man propose to his 
sweetheart ? Be mine, ah (B minor). 

When a church is burning, what is the only 
part that stands no chance at all of being saved i 
The organ, because the engine can't play 
upon it. 

Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster ? 
Because we cannot enjoy it without crack- 
ers. 

When is a newspaper like a delicate child ? 
When it appears weekly. 

If all the seas were dried up, what would old 
Neptune say? I really haven't an ocean (a 
notion). 

Why is the letter A like twelve o'clock ? Be- 
cause it comes in the middle of day. 



4t 

Why is a false friend like the letter P ? Be* 
cause, although always first in pity, he is 
always last in help. 

What is that which occurs twice in a mo- 
ment and not once in a thousand years ? The 
letter M. 

Why are butchers thieves? Because they 
steal a knife and cut away with it. 

Why should a man troubled with the gout 
make his will ? Because he will then have his 
leg at ease (legatees). 

Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful 
friend ? Because, although you may load his 
back with silver, he will reflect on you. 

What is the difference between some women 
and their looking-glasses? The former taiK 
without reflecting, the latter reflect without 
talking. 

Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast 
steel (Castile). 

On what supposition could pocket handker- 
chiefs build a house ? If they became brick 
(be cambric). 

Why is a true and faithful friend like garden 
seeds ? Because you never know the value of 
either until they are put under ground. 



'4* 

When does a man always have brown hands ? 
When he's tand'em driving. 

What is that which is seen twice in * ' every 
day" and four times in " every week," yet 
only once in a year ? The vowel e. 

Which are the only two words in the English 
language where the five vowels follow in suc- 
cessive order ? Facetious and abstemious. 

What word is there of eight letters which has 
five of them the same ? Oroonoko. 

What words may be pronounced quicker and 
lorter by adding another syllable to them? 
Quick and short. 

What word composed of five letters can you 
take the first two letters from and have one 
remain ? Stone. 

Which word in the English language con- 
tains the greatest number of letters ? Dispro- 
portionableness. 

What relation is a child to its own father 
when it is not its own father's son ? A daugh- 
ter. 

What is the difference between the milky 
way and a room full of great-grandfathers? 
One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale 
pas. 



43 

What was it a blind man took at breakfast 
which restored his sight ? He took a cup and 
saw, sir (saucer). 

Why are pipes all humbug? Because the 
best of them are all meer-shams. 

Why is a meerschaum like a water-color 
artist ? Because it draws and colors beati fully. 

If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what 
fruit would you be reminded of? A pair. 

What is that which a cat has, but no other 
animal ? Kittens. 

What are the features of a canon ? Ca aon- 
mouth, cannon-ize, and cannon-eers. 

Show that twice ten is equal to twice el 
Twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is 
twenty-two (twenty, too). 

What word of six letters contains six words 
besides itself, without transposing a letter? 
Herein-- he, her, here, ere, rein, in. 

When is a teapot like a kitten? When 
you're teasin' it (tea's in it). 

Why is a portrait like a member of Con- 
gress ? Because it is a representative. 

Why is a madman like two men ? Because 
he is a man beside himself. 



44 

Who was the first whistler, and what tuu^ 
did he whistle ? The wind—*' Over the Hills 
and Far Away.* ' 

Why is an unbound book like a person in 
bed ? Because it is in sheets. 

Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is 
forgotten ? Because it is out of the head. 

What is the difference between a glass of 
water and a glass of whiskey ? Ten cents. 

Why is a paper like a beggar ? Because it 
is composed of rags. 

Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of 
vegetables ? Because it is all heart. 

Why is an intoxicated man like a noun ad 
jecMve ? Because he seldom stands alone. 

Why is a clergyman's horse like a king? 
Because he is guided by a minister. 

Why is a man in a garret committing mur« 
der like a good man? Because he is above 
committing a bad action. 

Why was the Parliament of the Common- 
wealth like Samson ? Because it overthrew a 
house of lords. 

Why is an avaricious man like one with 8 
ihort memory ? He is always for getting. 



49 

What is that which lives in winter, dies in 
summer, and grows with its root upward ? An 
icicle. 

Why is a blacksmith's apron like a convent? 
Because it keeps off the sparks. 

Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket- 
book ? Because she is clasped. 

Why is a wick of a candle like Atkens? 
Because it is in Greece (grease). 

Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey ? 
Because it contains the ashes of the grate 
(great). 

Why is a handsome woman like bread? 
Because she is often toasted. 

What is that which a coach cannot meve 
without, and yet is not of the least use to it ? 
Noise. 

What does a stone become when in the 
water? A whetstone (wet stone). 

When is a very angry man like a clock fifty- 
nine minutes past twelve? When he is just 
going to strike one. 

If you were obliged to swallow a man, what 
kind of a one would you prefer to swallow ? A 
little Dublin porter. 



4« 

What question is that to which you must 
always answer " yes " ? What does y-e-s spell ? 

What four letters of the alphabet would 
frighten a thief? O I C U (oh ! I see you). 

Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly ? 
Because he is just ice (justice). 

What is the difference between a new five- 
cent piece and an old-fashioned quarter? 
Twenty cents. 

Why does a man go into the law, remain in 
the law, and go out of the law ? He goes into 
the law to get on, he remains in the law to get 
oner, he retires from the law to get onest. 

What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle ? 
Buy a little medicine and get a vial in ? 

Speak only two letters and thus name the 
destiny of all earthly things ? D. K. 

Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the 
desert island? Because there was a heavy 
swell on the beach and a sandy cove running 
up the shore. 

Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar ? 
Because it makes the butter-fly. 

What is that which has neither flesh nor 
bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb? & 
glove. 



Barnuin drove a ten-in-hand through New 
York city, and his horses had only twenty-fout 
feet among them ; how was that ? They had 
twenty fore feet. 

What trade does the sun follow in the month 
of May ? Mason (May sun). 

Of what trade are all the Presidents of the 
United States ? Cabinet-makers. 

Of what trade is a minister at a wedding ? 
A joiner. 

Of what occupation is a manager of a 
theatre ? A stage-driver. 

What miss is that whose company no one 
ever wants ? Mis-fortune. 

What misses are those whose days are alwa^ 
unlucky ? Mis-chance and mis-hap. 

What miss is always making blunders ? Mis- 
take. 

What misses are of a very jealous temper ? 
Mis-give and mis-trust. 

When is it no misfortune for a young lady to 
lose her good name ? When a young man gives 
her a better one. 

When does a dentist do the most work? 
ttfhen he extracts several acres (achersX 



48 

Why is an umbrella a paradox ? Because it 
is best when used up. 

What happens when a light falls into the 
water at an angle of forty-five degrees? It 
goes out. 

What great surgical operation does the manu* 
facturing of maple-sugar remind you of? Tree 
panning. 

In what way do women ruin their husbands? 
In buy-ways. 

Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers 
of endurance? Because he holds on to the 
last. 

WTiat part of the face resembles a school- 
master ? The eyelid, because it always has a 
pupil under the lash. 

Why is it that you and I must never dine 
together? Because U can never come until 
after I. 

What profession is a postman ? He is a man 
of letters. 

At what time of life may a man be said to 
belong to the vegetable kingdom ? When long 
experience has made him sage. 

Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet? 
U, because it is always in fun. 



Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish 
or Englishmen ? Englishmen. In Scotlam, 
there are men of Ayr ; in Ireland men of Cork, 
but in England are lightermen. 

When is a boat like a heap of snow ? When 
it is adrift. 

What 'bus has found room for the greatest 
number of people ? Columbus. 

Which is heavier, a half or a full moor ? 
The half, because the full moon is as light 
again. 

What tree is of the greatest importance in 
history ? The date. 

When is a man like a frozen rain ? When he 
is hail (hale). 

When is a lady's arm not a lady's am? 
When it is a little bare (bear). 

Why is a short negro like a white, ma 
Because he is not a tall black. 

Why is a very discontented man easily satis- 
fied ? Because nothing satisfies him. 

Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like 
thieves ? Because they ought to be taken up. 

Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky 
manufactory ? Because it is a secret still. 



Why are bells the most obedient of inani- 
mate things ? Because they make a noise 
whenever they are told. 

Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for 
cheating us ? Because we call them to take us 
in. 

What is the difference between a cat and a 
comma ? A cat has its claws at the end of its 
paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause. 

Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns 
the greatest thieves in her Majesty's service ? 
Because they rifle all the guns, forge the 
materials, and steel all the gun breeches. 

How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson 
of three words ? Never lend them. 

Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a 
woman who blushes is admitted for her cheek. 

Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because 
they both profess an attachment to the crown. 

What trade is like the sun ? A tanner's. 

What is an extra dry subject ? A muram .' 

What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable 
woman shopping. 

Why are hogs like trees ? Because they root 
for a living. 



Why Is the moon like a marriage contract r 
Because it governs the tide. 

Why do girls kiss each other and metj <*ot ? 
Because girls have nothing better to kis and 
men have. 

What did the muffin say to the toasting fork ? 
You're too pointed. 

What composer is most noted of uiodern 
times ? Chloroform. 

What is better than to give credit to whon 
it is due ? Give the cash. 

Which musical instrument is the most moral ? 
An upright piano. 

What is the difference between a dog's tai 
and a rich man ? One keeps a wagging anc 
the other keeps a carriage. 

How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suite* 
from other men ? He married his wives and 
axed them afterward. 

Why does a man's hair generally turn gray 
sooner than his mustache? Because it is 
about twenty-one years older. 

When did George Washington first take a 
carriage ? When he took a hack at the cherry- 
ttte* 



52 

What is the political character of a water* 
*rheel ? Revolutionary . 

Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beat- 
ing her boy ? Because it is a hiding of the 
son. 

How can a man make his money go a long 
way ? By contributing to foreign missions. 

Why is a person reading these conundrums 
like a man condemned to undergo a military 
execution ? Because he is pretty sure to be 
riddled to death. 

Where can one always find pleasure and hap- 
piness ? In the dictionary. 

During the month of heavy showers, how 
has the umbrella been persistently bluffing the 
game ? It has been ' ' put up or shut up ' ' with 
it all the while. 

When does a man impose on himself? When 
he taxes his memory. 

Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart 
like the growth of a successful newspaper? 
His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be 
tri- weekly, and then become daily, with a 
Sunday supplement. 



53 

When is money damp ? When it is due in 
the morning and missed at night. 

What killed Julius Caesar ? Roman punches. 

How does the postage-stamp have the ad- 
vantage of the small boy ? It can never be 
ticked but once. 

Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 
like Pharaoh's daughter? They saved a little 
prophet from the rushes on the banks. 

Why is an alligator the most deceitful of 
animals? Because he takes you in with an 
open countenance. 

Why are chemists and alchemists both o* 
the feminine gender ? Because one is an ana- 
lyzer (Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Char- 
lotte Ann). 

How do we know that Noah had a pig in 
the Ark ? Because he had Ham. 

My first is used in driving, my second is 
needy, my third is a nickname, and my whole is 
a bird ? Whip-poor-will. 

Why is sympathy like blind man's buff? 
Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow mor- 
ML 



54 

Why does the air seem fresher in winter than 
it does in summer? Because it's kept on ice 
most of the time. 

Why are fish well educated ? They have a 
taste for going in schools. 

What is the difference between one yard and 
two yards ? A fence. 

Why is the letter S like thunder ? It makes 
our cream sour cream. 

Which is the easier way to commit suicide, 
by taking laudanum or drowning? Ether 
(either) is good. 

Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest 
piece of property in England ? Because it was 
bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign. 

What is the difference between a light in a 
cave and a dance in an inn ? One is a taper in 
a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern. 

Why are records brittle things? Because 
they cannot be lowered without breaking. 

What is the difference between forms and 
ceremonies ? You sit upon one and stand on 
the other. 

Why is a door in the potential mood ? It'a 
would (wood) or should be. 



55 

What is the difference between a man going 
up stairs and one looking up ? One is stepping 
up the stairs, the other staring up the steps. 

Why are birds melancholy in the morning ? 
Because their little bills are all over due. 

What is there remarkable about a yard-stick ? 
Though it has no head or tail, it has a foot at 
each end and one in the middle. 

If a man shot at two frogs and killed one, 
what would the other one do ? Croak. 

What makes the waves so wild? It is h-v - 
ing the wind blow them up. 

Why are apples like printer's types? Be- 
cause they are often in pi(e). 

My first denotes equality, my second, i 
feriority, and my whole superiority. Match- 
less. 

Why are fatigued persons like a wagon 
wheel? Because they are always tired. 

Why is a tin can tied to a dog's tail like 
death? Because it's bound to a cur (occur). 

Why is a widow like a gardener ? Because 
she tries to get rid of her weeds. 

Why are young ladies bad grammarians? 
Because so few can decline matrimony. 



5* 

Why are potatoes and corn like certain sin« 
tiers of old? Because, having eyes, they see 
tiot, and having ears they hear not. 

Why are blind persons compassionate ? Be- 
cause they feel for other persons. 

Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow can- 
dles r Because when exposed to the fire they 
rum. 

Why is Satan always a gentleman? Be- 
cause, being the imp of darkness he can never 
be imp-o' -light. 

How much earth is in a hole $% x6^ ft.? 
None. 

Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive ? Be- 
cause she sends off the sparks, transports the 
mails, and has a train following her. 

What is the cheapest feature of the face? 
Nostrils, two for a scent (cent). 

Why are stout gentlemen prone to melan- 
choly ? Because they are men of size (sighs). 

When does the rain become too familiar to a 
lady ? When it begins to pat-her (patter) on 
the back. 

What relation is a door mat to a door step I 
A step farther. 



57 

Why is a baker like some very disreputable 
people ? Because he's a loafer and a white-cap. 

How many of your relatives live on your 
property ? Ten-aunts (tenants). 

What is the difference between a dime dated 
1899 and a new dollar ? Ninety cents. 

Why is a beehive like a spectator ? Because 
it is a beeholder (beholder). 

What are the most unsociable things in the 
world ? Mile-stones, for you never see two of 
them together. 

When does a regiment undergo an operation ? 
When deprived of its arms. 

What is the greatest eyesore in a farm yard ? 
A pig-sty. 

What is the difference between the manner 
of the death of a barber and a sculptor ? One 
curls up and dies and the other makes faces 
and busts. 

Why may carpenters reasonably believe 
there is no such thing as stone ? Because they 
never saw it. 

What is majesty deprived of its externals? 

(M)ajest(Y). 



5* 

Why is a good speller of a spelling match 
fike a glass of champagne ? Because they both 
go to the head. 

When does a lady think her husband a Her- 
cules ? When fond of his club. 

Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his 
gross profits ? Because they are always net. 

What will make pies inquisitive? S will 
make spies of them. 

Why is an empty purse expressive of con* 
stancy ? Because you find no change in it. 

When can donkey be spelt with one letter? 
When it's "U." 

Why is a tennis player like a society youth 
of limited means ? He is obliged to miss the 
ball when it comes high. 

Why is an Irishman trying to kiss a pretty 
girl like a man going up Mt. Vesuvius? Be 
cause he is trying to get at the mouth of the 
crater. 

Why should a housekeeper never put the 
letter M into her refrigerator ! Because it will 
change ice into mice. 

What's the difference between Shakespeare 
and Queen Elizabeth ? He was a wonder, and 
she was a Tudor. 



59 

Why is the letter R indispensable to friend- 
ship ? Because without it your friends would 
be fiends. 

Which are the two most disagreeable letters 
if you get too much of them ? KN (cayenne)! 

What is the difference between a funny fel- 
low and a butcher? One deals out wit, the 
other wit-ties. 

Why should cocks be the smoothest birds 
known? Because they always have a comb 
about them. 

What insect does a blacksmith nianufactvu-e ? 
He makes the fire-fly. 

When is a nose not a nose ? When it is a 
little radish (reddish). 

When are soldiers best able to draw blisters ? 
When they are mustered in the service. 

Why is love like a potato ? Because it shoots 
from the eyes and gets less by pairing. 

Why are young men like telescopes ? Be- 
cause you can draw them out, see through 
them and shut them up again. 

Why are cats like unskillful surgeons ? Be- 
cause they mew-till-late, and destroy patients 
(patience). 



6o 

What is the difference between a woman and 
a parasol ? You can shut a parasol up. 

Why is Sunday the strongest day in the 
week ? Because the rest are week days. 

Why is a needle one of the most persistent of 
forces? It always has an eye open for busi- 
ness, and invariably carries its point. 

When is coffee like the soil? When it is 
ground. 

Why are soldier's guns always safe? Be- 
cause every one of them has a lock. 

When is a man not a man? When he's a 
shaving. 

Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like 
a tallow candle ? Because he will smoke when 
he is going out. 

When is a schoolmaster like a man with one 
eye ? When he has a vacancy for a pupil. 

Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train ? 
Because the cars invariably run over sleepers. 

What instrument of war does an angry lover 
resemble ? A cross bow 

My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposi- 
tion, and my whole is part of a ship. Cab-in. 



6i 

What grows bigger the more you contract 
it ? Debt. 

What tricks are most common among New 
York policemen ? Patricks. 

Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving 
or Christmas week ? There is always a Tur- 
key in it. 

Why will an insolent fishmonger get more 
business than a civil one ? Because when he 
sells fish, he gives sauce with it. 

Why does a fat man, when squeezed compli- 
ment the ladies ? Because the pressure makes 
him flatter. 

Why is an old man like a window ? He is 
full of pains (panes). 

What's the difference between photograph* 
ing and the whooping cough ? One makes fac 
similes, the other makes sick families. 

What is smaller than a mite's mouth ? That 
which goes into a mite's mouth. 

What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet 
is a cat ? A kitten. 

. Why was the dumb waiter returned? Be- 
cause it didn't answer. 



62 

Born at the same time as the world, destined 
to live as long as the world, and yet never five 
weeks old. The moon. 

Why are clouds like coachmen? Because 
they hold the rains (reins). 

My first is a game, my second is what we 
use our eyes for, my whole is a State of 
America. Tennes see. 

Why should a favorite hen be called Mac- 
duff? Because we wish her to lay on. 

^ T hy is the letter G like the sun? It is the 
v*~re of light. 

Why are pretty girls like fire-works. Be- 
- i tse they soon go off. 

Why is coal the most contradictory article 
known to commerce? Because when pur- 
chased, instead of going to the buyer it goes to 
the cel-lar. 

Why would it be hard on ministers to preach 
Without notes ? Because their families would 
suffer without the greenbacks. 

In what sort of syllables should a parrot be 
taught to speak ? In polly silly-bills. 

My first is a pronoun, my second is used at 
weddings, and my whole is an inhabitant of 
the deep. Her-ring. 



63 

What is the difference between a bee-hive and 
a bad potato ? None. One is a bee-holder ; a 
bee-holder is a speck' d 'tatur, and a speck' d 
* tatur is a bad potato. 

What cannot be called a disinterested act of 
hospitality ? Entertaining a hope. 

Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your 
eye? Because he's a pupil under the lash. 

When may an ocean liner be said to be fool- 
ishly in love ? When attached to a boy (buoy ) 

My first is formal, my second is a flowei 
and my whole is a flower. Prim-rose. 

Why is a woman's beauty like a bank not 
Because when once changed it soon goes. 

What is the difference between a tube and a 
foolish Dutchman ? One is a hollow cylinder 
and the other a silly Hollander. 

What fruit is the most visionary ? The apple 
of the eye. 

What is that which goes from Boston to 
Providence without once moving? The rail- 
road. 

What notes compose the most favorite tunes, 
and how many tunes do they compose ? Bank 
notes, they make (four) for-tunes. 



Why are ladies' eyes like persons remote 
from one another? Because, although they 
may correspond, they never meet. 

Why don't Sweden have to send abroad for 
cattle? Because she keeps her Stock-holm. 

Without my first my second could never have 
existed, and my whole is as old as creation. 
Sun-day. 

When is a gun like a dismissed servant? 
When it is discharged and goes off. 

What is everything doing at the same time? 
Growing older. 

What should you do if you split your sides 
with laughter? Run till I got a stitch in them. 

What is the difference between a young girl 
*nd an old hat? Merely a difference of time — ■ 
one has feeling and the other has felt. 

What herb is most injurious to a lady's 
beauty? Thyme. 

Why is an aristocratic seminary for young 
ladies like a flower garden ? Because it is a 
place of haughty culture (horticulture). 

What is the difference between a clock and a 
partnership? When a clock is wound up it 
goes ; when a firm is wound up it stops. 



«5 

How do you know when night is nigh? 
When the t (tea) is taken away. 

Why are some women like facts ? Because 
they are stubborn things. 

If a dog should lose his tail where would he 
get another? At Wanamaker's, where every- 
thing is retailed, 

Why is a person with his eyes closed like a 
defective schoolmaster ? He keeps his pupils 
in darkness. 

Why is early grass like a penknife ? Be 
the springs bring out the blades. 

Why is an old man's farm in Texas like the 
focus of a sun glass? It's a place whei 
sons raise meat (sun's rays meet). 

Why is a real estate man not a man of 
words? Because he is a man of deeds. 

Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u 
in cucumber? Because it's between two seas. 

What did Ruth do to offend Boaz ? She 
pulled his ears and trod on his corn. 

Why are some singers like cheese curds ? 
Because they require to be pressed. 

Why ought meat to be only half cooked? 
Because what's done cannot be helped 



66 

Why is a woman like the telegraph ? Be* 
cause she is always in advance of the mail 
intelligence. 

What article that we wear is most affection- 
ate? A porous plaster, because it becomes 
very much attached to us. 

Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard ? Be- 
cause he takes the pledge but cannot always 
keep it. 

Who does the Bible say may carry on a flir- 
tation ? It says widow's mite (might). 

Why are respectable hotels like the elysium 
of the gods ? Because no bad spirits are per- 
mitted to enter them. 

Why is grass like a mouse ? Because the 
cat'll eat it (cattle eat it). 

Why are convicts like old maids going to be 
married ? Because they go off in transports. 

How do we know the fair queen of day has 
a lover ? She is always followed by a night 
(knight). 

Why are the Irish poor like a carpet ? Be* 
cause they are kept down by tax (tacks). 

Why is the world like a slate ? Because the 
children of men do multiply thereon. 



67 

Why is a defeated army like wool ? Because 
its worsted. 

What is the centre of gravity ? The letter V. 

What three letters turn a girl into a woman ? 
A-g-e t 

Although great wealth is said to harden the 
heart, what is every millionaire sure to be ? A 
capital fellow. 

What belongs to yourself, and is used by 
your friends more than by yourself? Your 
name. 

When is a soldier like an old toper ? When 
he re- treats. 

Why is a policeman like a rainbow ? Because 
he rarely appears until the storm is over. 

What is the difference between a milkmaid 
and a swallow? The milkmaid skims the 
milk, the swallow skims the water. 

Why is a man's face shaved in January like 
a celebrated fur? Because it's a chin-chilly. 

What is that which was born without a soul, 
lived and got a soul, but died without a soul ? 
The whale that swallowed Jonah. 

What is the difference between a Roman 
Catholic priest and a Baptist ? One uses wax 
candles — the other dips. 



68 

When is a doctor most annoyed ? When ht 
is out of patients. 

Why is a poor acquaintance better than a 
rich one ? A friend in need is a friend indeed. 

What is there remarkable about a bee? 
Why, ordinarily it has but little to say, yet 
generally carries its point. 

Why is the first chicken of a brood like the 
mainmast of a ship? Because it's a little 
ahead of the main hatch. 

How many persons can a deaf and dumb man 
tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight (gesticulate). 

What is the easiest way to keep water out of 
the house ? Omit to pay your water tax. 

What is it that is queer about flowers ? They 
shoot before they have pistils. 

What is the best form for a soldier? Uni- 
form. 

What is the best uniform for a soldier? 
Right dress. 

When does a dog become larger and smaller? 
When let out at night, and taken in in the 
morning. 

What prescription is best for a poet? A 
composing draught. 



69 

Why does a bay horse never pay toll ? Be 
cause his master pays it for him. 

Why is the letter S like a pert repartee ? Be- 
cause it begins and ends in sauciness. 

What is the best way to keep a man's love ? 
Not to return it. 

When is a soldier a wagon maker ? When 
he makes a wheel. 

Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner ? 
Meet for rejoicing. 

How was Admiral Dewey's naval rank re- 
duced when he got married ? He became Mrs. 
Dewey's second mate. 

Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a 
tree ? Because it's farthest from the bark. 

Why are actresses like pipes? They are 
mere-shams. 

What workman never turns to the left ? A 
wheelwright. 

Why does a freight car need no locomotive ? 
The freight makes the car-go. 

When are weeds not weeds ? When they be- 
come widows. 

What is better than presence of mind in a 
railroad accident ? Absence of body. 



7o 

Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied ? 
Because he rises rapidly in the world and has 
excellent prospects. 

What letter in the alphabet is most useful to 
a deaf old woman ? The letter A, because it 
makes her hear. 

What is the color of a grass plot covered with 
snow ? Invisible green. 

How does water get into the watermelon? 
The seed is planted in the spring. 

Why is a man in front of a crowd well sup- 
ported ? Because he has the press at his back. 

What subject can be made light of? Gas. 

If Dick's father be John's son, what relation 
is Dick to John? His grandson. 

When is a silver cup most likely to run? 
When it's chased. 

When may a man's pocket be empty and yet 
have something in it ? When it has a hole in 
it. 

Why is an engraver fearless of drowning ? 
Because he is accustomed to die sinking. 

Why are quinine and gentian like the Ger- 
mans ? Because they are two tonics (teutonics). 



7* 

Why should the proof-reader of a printing 
establishment be considered the best read man 
going? Because there's proof that he reads 
every hour of the day. 

When is butter like Irish children ? When 
it is made into little pats. 

If all the money in the world was divided 
equally among the people what would each 
one get ? An equal share. 

What are the most difficult ships to conquer? 
Hard-ships. 

Why don't foreign noblemen marry poor 
American girls as well as rich ones ? A poor 
girl has no principal, hence no interest, and with- 
out either she cannot bank account (a count). 

Why does a dressmaker never lose her 
hooks? Because she has an eye to each of 
them. 

Why is a wedding ring like eternity ? Be- 
cause it has neither beginning nor end ? 

What did the blind man say to the police- 
man when he told him he would arrest him if 
he did not move on? I'd just like to see you. 

What is the difference between a drinker and 
a smoker? One is a Bacch^na^n and the 
other a tobacconalian. 



79 

When Homer called the sea barren, why did 
it illustrate the age in which he lived? Be- 
cause it was before Cecrops (sea crops). 

What is the difference between a cow and an 
old chair? One gives milk, the other gives 
Way (whey). 

Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very un- 
lucky man? Because he is always the thir- 
teenth at table. 

What is the difference between a life of leis- 
ure and a life of idleness ? They are the same 
thing, only different titles. 

What word of one syllable, if you take two 
letters from it, becomes a word of two syl- 
lables? Plague; ague. 

A crown which was the pride of ancient 
Rome : whichever way it is read, it is the same. 
Civic. 

What lesson of life can the small boy learn 
from the fire engine? It must work or it can't 
play. 

Why is a young lady like a sheaf of 
wheat? First she is cradled, then thrashed, 
and finally she becomes the flour of the family. 

Who is it that always has a number of move- 
ments on foot for making money? A dancing 
master. 



73 

In what respect does a piano .amp resemble 
a society-club man? It has a good deal of 
brass about it, requires much attention, is not 
remarkably brilliant, is sometimes unsteady 
upon its legs, liable to explode when only half 
full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at 
bed- time, and is bound to smoke. 

How can hunters find their game in the 
woods? By listening to the bark of the trees. 

Why does a man think of his mother's sli 
pers when he handles the lines behind a fi 
well-matched pair of horses? Because they 
are such a spanking pair. 

What is that which is sometimes with a heau, 
without a head, with a tail, and without a tail r 
A wig. 

Why is a committee of inquiry like a can- 
non ? It makes a report. 

What is more wonderful than a horse that 
can count? A spelling bee. 

Why are tallest people the laziest ? Because 
they are always longer in bed than others. 

Who was the most successful financier men- 
tioned in the Bible? Noah, because he floated 
a limited company when all the rest of the 
world was in liquidation. 



74 

What is the difference between the Prince ol 
Wales and the water in a fountain? One is 
heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. 

Why is a college student like a thermometer? 
Because he is graduated and marked by de- 
grees. 

What bird is low-spirited ? The blue-bird. 

Why don't they take fare from policemen on 
the trolley cars? Because they can't get a 
nickel out of a copper. 

Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a 
(k)nightly occupation. 

Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? 
He forms lasses into classes. 

Why don't the Boers wash themselves? 
Because they are waiting to get a good licking 
from the English. 

Why is bread like the sun ? Because it rises 
from the yeast. 

When is a chair like a lady's dress ? When 
its sat-in. 

When is a soldier like a watch ? When he 
is on guard. 

When is a soldier like * king ? When he 
appears with his pomp-on 



75 

What object is walking over the water and 
tinder the water, yet does not touch the water ? 
A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a 
pail of water on her head. 

Why is love like a canal boat ? Because it is 
an internal transport. 

When does a chair dislike you ? When it 
can't bear you. 

Why is a duel quickly managed ? Because 
it takes only two seconds to arrange it. 

What burns to keep a secret ? Sealing-wax. 

Why is a nobleman like a book ? Because 
he has a title. 

What class of women are most apt to give 
tone to society ? The belles. 

What is that which has a mouth but never 
speaks, and a bed but never lies in it? A 
river. 

Why is a defeated army like wool ? Because 
it is worsted. 

What is the difference between the wreck 
of a bank and the wreck of a ship ? One is 
caused by the presence of rocks, the other by 
the scarcity of rocks. 



7« 

What is tliat which we all can eat, and often 
drink, though it sometimes is a woman and 
often a man ? We eat toast and drink a toast 

Why would a compliment from a chicken be 
an insult ? Because it would be foul language. 

Why is a cherry like a book ? Because it is 
red (read J. 

Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers ? 

7 -vse they usually begin with little drops. 

What is that by losing an eye has nothing left 
but nose? A noise. 

r y is a four-quart jar like a lady's side- 
oa^-ne? Because it holds a gal-on (gallon), 

Why is fashionable society like a warming* 
pan ? Because it is highly polished but very 
hollow. 

Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? 
Because they have no visible means of support. 

What islands would form a dainty and cheer- 
ful luncheon for a party? Sandwich and 
Madeira. 

What must a good surgeon have to be suc- 
cessful ? He must have an eagle's eye, a lion'a 
heart, and a lady's hand. 



77 

Why is rheumatism like a great eater ? Be* 
cause it attacks the joints. 

If I were in the sun and you were out of it 
what would the sun become ! Sin. 

Why would an owl be offended at your call- 
ing him a pheasant ? Because you would be 
making game of him. 

Why is anthracite coal like true love ? Be- 
cause it burns with a steady flame. 

Why is a very amusing man like r bad 
shot ? Because he keeps the game alive. 

When people are quarreling out of doors, 
what should they do? Co-in-side (go ins'' • 

Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in 
Europe ? Because it is always on the Spree. 

Which is the favorite word with women I 
The last one. 

Why is Father Time like a fashionable young 
man ? Because he travels by cycles (bicycles). 

Luke had it first, Paul had it last ; boys 
never have it ; girls have it but once ; Miss 
Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but 
when she married Pat Murphy she never had 
it again ? The letter L. 



7« 

* Why are ladies the biggest thieves in exist- 
ence ? Because they steel their petticoats, bone 
their stays, crib their babies, and hook their 
dresses. 

Why is a man who makes additions to a 
false rumor like one who has confidence in all 
that is told to him ? Because he re-lies on all 
he hears. 

When does a farmer double up a sheep with- 
out hurting it ? When he folds it. 

What did the managing editor say when the 
horticultural editor said he had cultivated hot- 
house lilac bushes that attained a height of 
over fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) 
that. 

Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? 
Because he has a long bill. 

What is the most engaging work of art ? A 
fashionable young lady. 

Who is the oldest lunatic on record ? Time 
out of mind. 

Why do the recriminations of a married 
couple resemble the sound of the waves on the 
seashore ? Because they are the murmurs of 
the tide (tied). 



79 

What bird is rude ? The mocking bird, 

Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a 
bucket shop ? Because it shaves the green. 

When may a loaf of bread be said to be in- 
habited ? When it has a little Indian in it 

Why are ships like fortunes ? Because they 
are built on stocks. 

How does a soldier know when it is time to 
fight ? When he sees a battle-me(a)nt. 

At what age should a man marry ? At the 
parsonage. 

What kind of essence does a young man 
like when he pops the question ? Acquiescence. 

When is a soldier like a horse ? When he 
draws a load. 

Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is 
blind ? Because you never knew a man in love 
that did not see ten, times more in his sweet- 
heart than others did. 

Why are fixed* stars like wicked old men ? 
Because they scintillate (sin-till-late). 

Why is an egg underdone like an egg over* 
done ? They are both hardly done. 



So 

Why is a man 1 happier with two wives than 
tvith one ? He may be happy with one, but 
with two he is nearly sure to be transported. 

Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful 
places in the world? Because it's always on 
the rock, but never moves. 

Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers ? 
Because all the mails (males) are tied up in 
bags. 

Why is a comprehensive action an affection- 
;e one ? It embraces everything. 

What best describes and most impedes a 
Christian Pilgrim's Progress? A Bunyan 
(bunion). 

When is a lady's hair like the latest news? 
When it's in the papers. 

Why is a very old umbrella, that has been 
lost, as good as new when found ? Because 
it's re-covered. 

Why is a coachman like the clouds ? Be- 
cause he holds the reins. 

Why does the Salvation Army walk down 
Broadway on their heels ? To save their soles 
(souls)* 



81 

Who was the most successful surveyor om 
record ? Alexander Selkirk, for he was mon- 
arch of all he surveyed. 

Who is a man of grit ? A sugar refiner. 

Why is the letter W like scandal ? Because 
it makes ill will. 

What is one of the rules of war ? That it is 
death to stop a cannon ball. 

Why are photographers the most uncivil of 
all tradespeople? Because when we make 
application for a copy of our portrait, the}' 
always reply with a negative. 

What cord is that which is full of knot-, 
which no one can untie, and which no one 
can tie? A cord of wood. 

Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks 
a question or the one who answers? The 
one who asks, because he is the querist. 

When does the wind most resemble a book- 
seller? When it keeps stationary (stationery). 

What benefit can be derived from a paper of 
pins ? It will give you many good points. * 

Why are authors who treat of physiognomy 
like soldiers ? Because they write about face* 



82 

I went into the woods and caught it, I sat 
down to look for it, and then I went home with 
it because I could not find it. A sliver. 

Why is a clock the most persevering thing in 
creation ? Because it is never more inclined to 
go on with its business than when it is com- 
pletely wound up. 

Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? 
The old adage says, out of sight out of mind. 

How did the whale that swallowed Jonah 
obey the divine law ? Jonah was a stranger 
and he took him in. 

When is a piece of wood like a queen? 
When it is made into a ruler. 

Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith's shop? 
Because it contains fowl-in pieces. 

Why is asparagus like most sermons ? Be- 
cause it is the end of it that people enjoy most. 

What is the fruit of finance? Current coin. 

How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a 
whale ? He was down in the mouth, and went 
to blubber. 

Why is the polka like bitter beer? There 
are so many hops in it. 



83 

Why is your nose in the middle of youi 
face ? Because it is the scenter. 

Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly ? 
Because it works and plays at the same time. 

Whose best works are most trampled on ? 
The shoemaker, because good shoes last longer 
than bad ones. 

When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? 
When he walks into the preserves. 

Why are clergymen like brakemen? Be- 
cause they do a great deal of coupling. 

When may two people be said to be half 
witted? When they have an understanding 
between them. 

Why is a jailer like a musician? Because 
he fingers the keys. 

Why is a field of grass like a person older 
than yourself? Because it's past-your-age 
(pasturage). 

Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the 
dental parlor? Because it is the drawing 
room. 

Why should a man never tell his secrets in a 
corn-field? Because so many ears are there 
and they would be shocked. 



8 4 

What part of a fish weighs most? Th« 
scales. 

When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he 
makes a cart-ridge on the road. 

Why are printers liable to bad colds? Be- 
cause they always use damp sheets. 

What fruit does a newly married couple 
resemble ? A green pear (pair). 

Can you tell the best, way to make the 
mrs go fast ? Use the spur of the moment. 

Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot ? Be- 
cause brevity's the sole of it. 

Why are parliamentary reports called " Blue 
Books ? ' ' Because they are never re(a)d. 

Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be 
candid ? Because she cannot be plain 

Why is a sheep like a professional gambler ? 
Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols 
in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is 
fleeced at last. 

Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent 
man ? Because he stops at the sound of wo. 

What city is drawn more frequently than 
any other ? Cork. 



85 

Why is a bookbinder like charity ? Because 
he often covers a multitude of faults. 

Why should an artist never be short of cash > 
If he knows his business he can always draw 
money. 

What do we often catch yet never see ? 
Passing remarks. 

Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? 
Because they always sell their kisses. 

What is there about a house that seldom 
falls, but never hurts the occupant when it 
does ? The rent. 

What three acts comprise the chief busmen 
of a woman's life? Attract, contract, and 
detract. 

Why is a prudent man like a pin ? Because 
his head prevents him from going too far. 

Why are some of our officers like a dancing 
master's toes? Because they must be turned 
out. 

What are the most patient objects in the 
shape of humanity? Statues. 

Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? 
It knows no law. 



86 

If all the letters in the alphabet were on a 
mountain, what letter would leave first? D 
would begin the descent. 

When you listen to a drum why are you a 
g*od judge ? Because you hear both sides. 

Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? 
Because all the others are in audible. 

Why is a coward like a leaky barrel ? Be- 
cause they both run. 

If a short man married a widow what will 
his friends call him ? A widow's mite. 

Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat 
on ? Her coachman. 

Why was " Uncle Tom's Cabin " not written 
by a woman's hand? Because it was written 
by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher's toe). 

What animal is that from which, if you take 
off the tip of its tail you may make a first-rate 
Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi). 

Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding 
six and seven together ? Because the dog puts 
down three and carries one. 

When is a house like a bird? When it has 
wings. 



87 

What moral lesson does the weathet coca 
teach ? It is vane to a-spire. 

When is a lawyer like a beast of burden ? 
When drawing a conveyance. 

When is a soldier like a watch ? When he 
is on guard. 

What are the embers of the expiring year ? 
Nov-ember and Dec-ember. 

How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn 
his living ? By foul means. 

When was beef tea first introduced into 
England? When Henry VIII dissolved the 
Pope's bull. 

Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? 
Because he carries his calves there. 

Why does a maltese cat rest better in sum- 
mer than in winter ? Because summer brings 
a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow). 

Is there anything a man with a kodak can- 
not take ? Yes, a hint. 

Why do American soldiers never run away ? 
They belong to a standing army. 

Why does tying a slow horse to a post im« 
prove his pace ? It makes him fast 



88 

What is it that a man, no matter how smaif 
he is, overlooks? His own nose. 

What goes most against a farmer's grain? 
His reaper. 

Why may we suppose that Noah had beer 
in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in 
with hops, and the bear was always bruin. 

Why should potatoes grow better than other 
vegetables? Because they have eyes to see 
what they are doing. 

A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two 
ducks, and a duck between two ducks ; how 
many ducks were there in all ? Three. 

What word of ten letters can be spelled with 
five ? X-p-d-n-c (expediency). 

Why should the highest apple on a tree be 
the best one ? Because it is a tip-top apple. 

How many fathers has a man ? Nine : his 
father, his godfather, his father-in law, his two 
grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers. 

Why would a spider appear to have wings ? 
Because it often takes a fly. 

Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic } 
It is bound to the country with the strongest 
ties. 



What Is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? 
For a man to revolve in his own mind. 

Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn ? Be* 
cause it is the greatest of modern composers. 

Do women like to see themselves in print ? 
No ; they prefer silk or satin. 

Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Be 
cause they have to scratch for a living. 

Who is the man who invariably finds thing - 
dull ? The scissors grinder. 

Why is the first chicken of a brood like * :~ 
mainmast of a ship? Because it's a lin,*c 
ahead of the main hatch. 

Why is a book your best friend and com- 
panion? Because when it bores you, you can 
shut it up without giving offense. 

Why is a man in front of a crowd well sup- 
ported ? Because he has the press at his back. 

What sort of men are most above board in 
their movements? Chessmen. 

Why is playing chess a better occupation 
than playing cards ? Because you play chess 
with two bishops and cards with four knaves 



90 

When may ladies who are enjoying them- 
selves be said to look wretched ? When at the 
opera, as then they are in tiers. 

Why should a minister be believed ? Because 
he is nearly always accurate (a curate). 

Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial 
disposition? Because he offers a horn to 
everybody he meets. 

What should be looked into ? A mirror. 

Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a 
frying pan? Because it has Greece on the 
bottom. 

I partake alike in your joys, and your sor- 
rows, and your home would not be home 
without me. L,etter O. 

How many young ladies does it take to reach 
from New York to Philadelphia ? About one 
hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile. 

Why should colts avoid exposure ? Because 
they might take cold and become a little horse 
(hoarse). 

In what respect is matrimony a game of 
cards ? Why, a woman has a heart, a man 
takes it with a diamond, and after that hex 
hand is his. 



91 

When is a new dress older than an old one ? 
When it's more (moire) antique. 

What is the name of the plant most fatal to 
mice ? Cat-nip. 

Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter ? 
Because he is an utterer of bad notes. 

I am the first, and one of seven, 
I live betwixt the seas and heaven; 
Look not below, for I am not there, 
My home is in the ancient air. 
Come to my second, behold how fair 
I am, how bright and how debonair; 
A pleasant vision and a beauty, 
A thing of life and joy and duty; 
My youth is changed — I live alone, 
My views are crossed — my hopes are gone; 
My whole is sorrow, grief and woe, 
My singing now is all heigh-ho. 

A lass (alas). 

What affection do landlords most appreci- 
ate? Parental (pay-rental). 

When day breaks, what becomes of the 
pieces ? They go into mourning (morning). 

Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? 
Because they put out their tubs to catch soft 
water when it rains hard. 



9* 

Why is a book like a king ? Because it has 
many pages. 

When are two apples alike ? When pared. 

When a colored waiter drops a platter of 
roast turkey, why does it create a great con- 
tinental disaster? Because it is the fall of 
Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of 
Africa, and the breaking up of China. 

Vhat time should an inn keeper visit a 
ldry ? When he wants a bar-maid. 

fhy was Blackstone like an Irish vege- 
table ? Because he was a common 'tatur (com- 
mentator). 

Why is an author the most wonderful man 
in the world? Because he is the owner of 
many tales and they all come out of his head. 

What do you call a boy who eats all the 
melons he can get, whether they are green or 
old? He is what we call a pains-taking 
youngster. 

What is an eaves-dropper ? The icicle. 

What trade is certainly one in which a man 
will never make a cent except by sticking at 
it ? Bill-posting, 



93 

Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that 
has gone out ? Because she has not a spark 
left. 

In what place are two heads better than one ? 
In a barrel. 

Why are bells used to call people to church ? 
Because they have an inspire ring influence. 

What is that which goes up the hill and 
down the hill and yet stands still ? The road. 

What becomes of the chocolate cake when 
your only son eats it? It vanishes into the 
empty heir (air). 

When is coffee like the soil? When it is 
ground. 

When is a bill like a gun ? When it is pre- 
sented and discharged. 

Why is a windy orator like a whale ? Be- 
cause he often rises to spout. 

Why is a railroad track a particularly senti- 
mental object? Because it is bound by close 
ties. 

What is society composed of? A mixture of 
mister-ies and miss-eries. 



94 

What is that which increases the more it is 
shared by others ? Happiness. 

What is taken from you before you get it ? 
Your portrait. 

When is a man, like friendship, most easily 
tried ? When he stands a loan. 

What melancholy fact is there about a cal- 
endar? There is no time when its days are 
not numbered. 

What is the best food for dyspeptic people? 
Oysters ; because they die-just (digest) before 
they are eaten. 

Who are the men who have made their 
hose who can't write. 

Why is a distanced horse like a man in a 
shady place ? Because he is out of the heat. 

Why are park railings like a lady's corset? 
Because they confine a deer (dear). 

Do you know what is the oldest piece of fur- 
niture in the world ? The multiplication table. 

What is the debt for which you cannot be 
sued ? The debt of nature. 

When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? 
When they are mustered in the service. 



95 

Why is the woodsman's ax an inconsistent 
weapon? Because it first cuts a tree down 
and then cuts it up. 

Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of 
people ? Because he is a host himself. 

Why is the blush of modesty like a little 
girl ? Because it becomes a woman. 

Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil ? 
Because it has no point. 

If you see a counterfeit coin on the street 
why should you always pick it up ? Becav. if. 
you may be arrested for passing it. 

Why is Queen Victoria like a hat ? Becat 
they both have crowns. 

Why is love always represented as a child ? 
Because it never reaches the age of discretion. 

What key opens the penitentiary for a dissi- 
pated man? Whis-key. 

. Why is a pig with a curly continuation like 
the ghost of Hamlet's father? Because he 
could a tail unfold. 

Why is a plowed field like feathered game? 
Because it's part-ridges. 



9& 

When is a dog most like a human beinf ? 
When he is between a man and a boy. 

, How does a boy look if you hurt him ? It 
makes him yell Oh ! (yellow). 

Why didn't the last dove return to the ark? 
Because she had sufficient ground for remain- 
ing. 

Why is there some reason to doubt the ex- 
istence of the Giant's Causeway ? There are 
so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland 
that this may be one of the reasons. 

Why are good husbands like dough ? Be- 
cause women need them. 

Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting 
like a dead pig? Because it is done with the 
pen. 

When does a man feel girlish ? When he 
makes his maiden speech. 

What is the difference between an honest 
and a dishonest laundress? One irons your 
linen ; the other steals it. 

What does a husband do who misses a train 
by which he promised his wife to return? 
Catches it when he gets home. 



*7 

What coat is finished without buttons and 
put on wet ? A coat of paint. 

What is the greatest surgical operation on 
record? Lansing, Michigan. 

How can you make a tall man short ? Bor- 
row money of him. 

Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and 
paper? Because they are stationary (station- 
ery). 

Why should a person not like to gaze on the 
Niagara forever? Because he would always 
have a cataract in the eye. 

What bridge is warranted to support any 
strain ? The bridge of a fiddle. 

What is that, which though black itself, en- 
lightens the world ? Ink. 

Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in 
spring ? Because the bullrush is out, the cow- 
slips around, the grasses have blades, the 
flowers have pistils, and the little twigs are 
shooting. 

Why are laws like the ocean? The most 
trouble is caused by the breakers. 

Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of 
rivers ? Because it has a dozen mouths. 



Why is the fly the best one among the 
grocers' customers? Because, when he comes 
for sugar, he settles on the spot. 

Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak 
about his trips? It is generally a soar point 
with him. 

Why is a Chinaman never perplexed ? Be- 
cause no matter where he finds himself he 
always has his cue. 

What is the most popular paper at the sum- 
mer resorts ? Fly-paper. 

In law courts what relation are the judges, 
sergeants and counsellors to each other ? They 
are brothers — brothers-in-law. 

Why is St. Paul like a white horse ? Be* 
cause they both like Timothy. 

Why do men go out of the theatre? Be- 
cause some plays are so solemn that the men 
have to go out to smile. 

Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old 
man ? Because it is infirm. 

What is the difference between love and 
war? One breaks heads and the other breaks 
hearts. 



^9 

What is the difference between man and 
butter ? The older a man gets the weaker he 
gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it 
is. 

When did Caesar first visit the Irish ? When 
he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge 
it (Bridget). 

What light could not possibly be seen in a 
dark room ? An Israe-lite. 

How is it that the Queen is a poor gentle- 
woman ? She possesses only one crown. 

Why is the letter B like a hot fire ? Because 
it makes oil boil. 

Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like 
a confined criminal ? Because he is sea-cured 
(secured). 

When does a public speaker steal lumber? 
When he takes the floor. 

Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? 
Because a B follows it. 

What history is that which repeats itself? 
The history of nations. Your private history 
is repeated by your neighbors. 

When are two tramps like common time in 
music? When they are two beats to a bar. 



IOO 

If a two- wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and * 
three- wheeled wagon is a tricycle, what would 
you call a five- wheeled one? A V-hicle of 
course. 

Why is a ferry boat like a good rule ? Be- 
cause it works both ways. 

What part of London is like a lame man ? 
Cripplegate (cripple-gait). 

What robe is that which you cannot weave, 
you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no 
washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Right- 
3usness. 

How do we know the nightingales are 
sports ? Because they have a high time after 
dark. 

When is water most likely to escape ? When 
it is only half-tide. 

What is always behind time? The back of 
a clock. 

What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark 
and wine (whine). 

What is the difference between perseverance 
and obstinancy ? One is a strong will and the 
other is a strong won't. 



IOI 

Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells 
the truth to all the world ? A true balance, or 
pair of scales. 

What country does a crying baby sigh for? 
More-rock-oh, or Lapland. / 

Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten 
tramp like a man with insomnia? Because it 
has not had a nap in ten years. 

Why are spiders good correspondents ? Be- 
cause they drop a line by every post and at 
every house. 

What does a young lady become when she 
ceases to be pensive ? Ex-pensive. 

What is the sure sign of an early spring ? A 
cat watching a hole in the wall with her back 
up. 

A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? 
He answered, My age is what you do in every- 
thing — excel (Xly) 

Pray find a word that will produce a chaif 
ana table ? Char i-table. 

Why is it that whenever you are looking for 
anything you always find it in the last place 
you look ? Because you always stop looking 
when you find it. 



102 

Why Is the world like a cat's tail ? Because 
$t is fur to the end of it. 

What is the most difficult lock to pick ? One 
from a bald head. 

If Rider Haggard had been Ivew Wallace, 
who would ' ' She ' ' have been ? ' ' Ben-Hur. ' ' 

What would a pig do who wished to build 
himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail 
and call it a pig's tie. 

Why is snow like a maple tree ? Because it 
leaves in the early spring. 

Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the 
Bible ? Baron (barren) figtree. 

If a man bumped his head against the top of 
the room, what article of stationery would he 
get ? Ceiling whacks, (sealing wax.) 

What is a good thing to part with? A 
comb. 

If your uncle's sister is not your aunt what 
relation is she to you ? Your mother. 

Why is a pig the most provident of all 
animals ? Because he always carries a spare- 
rib about him- 



Way is the church of St. Paul, London, like 
9 bird ^ nest? Because it was built by a wren 
(Sir Christopher Wren). 

For what profession are the members of a 
colle^y boat crew best fitted ? For dentistry, 
because they have a good pull. 

Why has a chambermaid more lives than a 
cat ? Because each morning she returns to 
dust. 

Why ought the man who handles the reins 
on a horse-car be successful ? Because he does 
a driving business. 

What paradox may often be found in a flower 
garden ? A white pink. 

Why do carpenters have great faith in sooth- 
sayers ? They cannot work without an auger 
(augur). 

What does a yawning policeman resemble ? 
An open-faced watch. 

Why is a crow like a lawyer ? He likes to 
have his caws (cause) heard. 

What is the political character of a water- 
wheel ? Revolutionary . 

Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? 
They keep Lent so well, 



Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs 
like a high hill? Because she's a-mountin'. 

What three letters give the name of a famous 
Roman general ? C-PO (Scipio). 

Why should England be a very dry country? 
Because there has been but one reign there in 
over fifty years. 

Why is a nice, but nucultured girl like brown 
sugar? Because sh' ^ sweet but unrefined. 

Why are some .vomen very much like tea- 
ttles ? Because they sing away pleasantly 
d then all at once boil over. 

What is the best way to keep fish from 
elling? Cut off their noses. 

Why should you never confide a secret to 
your relatives? Because blood will tell. 

Which is the easier profession, a doctor's or 
a clergyman's? A clergyman's : he preaches, 
the doctor practices. 

How can it be proven that a horse has six 
legs? Because he has fore legs in front and 
two behind. 

How does light get through a prism? If 
hews (hues) its way through- 



i<>5 

When is a pie like a poet? When it is 
Browning. 

What can pass before the sun without making 
a shadow ? The wind. 

Why should watermelon be a good name for 
a newspaper ? B ecause its insides would really 
be read. 

Why should the number 288 never be men- 
tioned in company ? Because it is two gross. 

When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey ? 
When he is going to Bray. 

Why are people of short memories necessarily 
covetous? Because they're always for-getting 
something. 

What is the beginning of every end, and the 
end of every place? The letter E- 

Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers 
of a hypocrite ? Because it is a solemn sound 
by a thoughtless tongue. 

What letters of the alphabet are most like a 
Roman emperor? The C's are. 

Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it's 
a catarrh-act. 

When does water resemble a gymnast? 
When it makes a spring. 



lo6 

What bird is in season all the year? The 
weather-cock. 

What would you expect to find on a literary 
man's breakfast table? Bacon's Remains, 
Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and 
Shelley fragments. 

When is a sick man a contradiction ? When 
he is an impatient patient. 

What is the dog-star announced to be ? A 
sky-terrier. 

What is the difference between a tunnel and 
peaking trumpet ? One is hollowed in, the 
other is halloaed out. 

When may a man be said to be literally im- 
mersed in business ? When he's giving a 
swimming lesson. 

What trade should one follow in order to cut 
a figure in the world ? A sculptor. 

What wind do we naturally look for after 
Lent ? An Easter-ly one. 

How do little fish have a proper idea of busi- 
ness ? Not being able to do better, they start 
on a small scale. 

When do cards most resemble waive*? 
When they belong to a pack. 



*07 

What vine does beef grow on ? The bo-vine. 

What is the difference between the Mormons* 
religion and their wives? Their religion is 
singular, but their wives are plural. 

When is a man duplicated? When he's 
beside himself. 

If a well known animal you behead, 
Another one you will have instead. 

Fox (f-ox). 

Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel 
going his rounds ? He is pat-rolling. 

Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old ? 
She has not muchon'er in her own country. 

Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed ? Be- 
cause one is a horse-shoer, and the other is a 
sure horse. 

When giving invitations to a dancing party 
what single word will tell the hour to begin 
dancing? At- ten-dance (attendance). 

What is the greatest physical feat ever per- 
formed? Wheeling, West Virginia, on the 
Ohio. 

What does an envelope say when it is licked ? 
Just shuts up and says nothing about it. 



«98 

Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror ? 
She's a good looking lass. 

When is an army totally destroyed ? When 
the soldiers are all in quarters. 

Why is too much whisky and champagne 
like the flowers that bloom in the spring? 
Because they make the nose gay (nosegay). 

Why is a postman in danger of losing his 
way ? Because he is guided by the directions 
of strangers. 

Vhat killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot 
vf. -v £e. 

What is the difference between a watchmaker 
ar»d a jailer? One sells watches and the other 
watches cells. 

Why are lawyers the most intemperate 
people? Because they are continually prac- 
ticing at the bar. 

What word of four syllables represents Sin 
riding on a little animal ? Sin-on-a-mouse 
(Synonymous) 

What motive had the inventor of railways in 
view ! A loco-motive. 

With what do the mermaids tie up thei? 
hair ? With a marine bar>^ 



log 

What tree bears the most fruit to market? 
The axle-tree. 

What is the sharpest instrument mentioned 
in the Bible ? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles. 

Why is a banker's clerk necessarily well 
informed? Because he is continually taking 
notes. 

Use me well and I am everybody ; scratch my 
back and I am nobody. A looking-glass. 

What great Scotchman would you name if a 
footman knocked at the door ? John Knox 

Why is a billiard maker like a stage 
prompter ? Because he gives the players a cue. 

Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler ? 
Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of her 
clothes. 

Why is the bank of England like a thrush ? 
It often changes its notes. 

What is it, which the man that made it does 
not need, the man who buys it does not use for 
himself, and the person that uses it does not 
know it? A coffin. 

Why are convicts like a pack of cards? 
Because there is a knave in every suit. 



no 

When is a fact like a universal patent? 
When it is patent to " all." 

What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly 
be considered a grand affair ? A luncheon of 
dried apples and warm water, which is really a 
swell affair. 

Why is a young lady like a promissory note ? 
Because she ought to be settled when she arrives 
at maturity. 

What is that which always goes with its head 
downward ? A nail in your shoe. 

y is a man just put in prison like a boat 
\l\ of water? Because he wants bailing 
-it. 

What sort of a face does an auctioneer like 
best ? One that is for bidding. 

Why should a poor salesman be put in the 
hands of a potter? Because he is very poor 
clay and should be fired. 

Why is an account book like a statuary shop? 
It is full of figures. 

When a young man calls upon his sweet- 
heart what should he carry with him ? Affec- 
tion in his heart, perfection in his manners, and 
confections in his pockets. 



Ill 

What is that which Adam never saw, nevei 
possessed, yet left two to each of his children ? 
Parents. 

When may a base-ball nine say its "cake is 
all dough ' ' ? When it does not have a good 
batter. 

Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg ? 
Because when you lose a leg you lose some- 
thing to boot. 

What key in music will make a good officer ? 
A sharp major. 

Why were the Jews of old like bad debts ? 
Because they killed the prophets (profits). 

What is political economy ? Splitting your 
vote. 

What makes everybody sick but those that 
swallow it ? Flattery. 

What jury of twelve tries us for a year ? The 
twelve months ; they all try us. 

What is that which never flies except when 
its wings are broken ? An army. 

What is the difference between a very fasci- 
nating young lady and her watch ? The watch 
makes one remember the hours, and the young 
lady makes one forget them. 



IJ2 

Why is an egg like a colt ? Because it is 
not fit for use until it is broken. 

Why is a threadbare garment like a man 
who was up late at the ball? Because both 
look worn out when they lose their nap. 

What bridge creates the most anxiety? A 
suspension bridge. 

When does a cook break the game law? 
7hen she poaches eggs. 

Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow can- 
die ? Because he smokes when he is going out. 

What way of showing wrath has a tea ket- 
Ve ? It sings sweetest when it is hottest. 

Why do you always make a mistake when 
you put on your slipper ? Because you put 
your foot in it. 

Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? 
Because he has such winning ways. 

Why is the leading horse in a wagon team 
like the acceptor of a bill? Because he's the 
end horse, sir (endorser). 

What money brings the most substantial 
interest ? Matri-mony. 



"3 

What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese 
actor loses his head ? He is pretty sure to lose 
his cue at the same time. 

Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may 
you be described as stepping into his shoes? 
Because you make his feet-yours (features). 

Why is the inside of everything mysterious ? 
Because we cannot make it out. 

Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his 
mother's government like a rainbow ? Because 
it's the son's reflection on a steady reign. 



Biblical Conundrums 






Biblical Conundrums 

Who was the first man spoken of in the 
Bible ? Chap. I (chap first). 

Who was the first woman spoken of in the 
Bible ? Genesis (Jennis Sis). 

At what time of day was Adam created ? A 
little before Eve. 

Spell "Adam's Express Company " with 
three letters. E-v-e, 

What one word in the Bible represents the 
father calling his son and the son's answering ? 
Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad). 

Who was a very short man spoken of in the 
Bible ? Nehemiah (knee-high Miah). 

Who was the strongest man spoken of in the 
Bible ? Jonah, because the whale couldn't keep 
him down. 

Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the 
Bible ? Samson, because he brought the house 
down filled with his enemies. 

Who was the shortest man spoken of in the 
Bible ? Beldad the Shuhite (shoe height). 
H7 



n8* 

Where was paper currency spoken of first in 
the Bible ? Where the dove left the ark and 
brought a green back. 

Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering 
the ark ? Because, although the ark was high, 
Noah was a higher ark (hierarch). 

Who took the first newspaper ? Cain took 
A Bell's (Abel's) Life, and Joshua counter- 
manded the Sun. 

What proof have we that Moses was the most 
wicked man who ever lived ? Because he broke 
the Ten Commandments all at once. 

How long did Cain hate his brother? As 
long as he was Abel (able). 

Where was sestheticism first spoken of in the 
Bible ? Where the I^ord made Balaam's ass to 
utter. 

When were walking-sticks first mentioned in 
the Bible ? When Eve presented Adam with a 
little Cain (cane). 

What fur did Adam and Eve wear ? Bear 
(bare) skin. 

Who was the fastest runner in the world ? 
Adam, because he was first in the race. 

When did Moses sleep five in a bed ? When 
he slept with his fore fathers. 



119 

The following is a good sell if properly led 
lip to : Who was the first man ? Adam ? 
Who was the first woman ? Eve. Who killed 
Cain ? The answer will very likely be Abel. 

What did Job's wardrobe consist of? Three 
wretched comforters. 

What three words did Adam use when he 
introduced himself to Eve which read backward 
and forward the same ? Madam, I'm Adam. 

Why was the first day of Adam's life the 
longest ? Because it had no Eve. 

How were Adam and Eve prevented from 
gambling? Their pair o' dice was taken away 
from them. 

What stone should have been placed at the 
gate of Eden after the expulsion ? Adam aint 
in (adamantine). 

What did Adam and Eve do when they were 
expelled from Eden ? They raised Cain. 

Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him ? 
Because he had no knife. 

Why was Eve made? For Adam's express 
company. 

Who was the straightest man mentioned in 
the Bible ? Moses, because Pharaoh made a 
ruler of him. 



ISO 

Vnat evidence have we that Adam tided 
sugar ? Because he raised Cain. 

Who was the first man condemned to hard 
labor for life ? Adam. 

Why was the giant Goliath very much aston- 
ished when David hit him with a stone ? Be- 
cause such a thing had never entered his head 
beforeT 

Which are the two smallest things mentioned 
in the Bible? The widow's mite and the 
kicked flee. 

How is it that Methusalah was the oldest 
jttan when he died before his father? His 
£ ther was translated. 

How many soft boiled eggs could the giant 
Goliath eat on an empty stomach ? One, after 
which his stomach was not empty. 

What was the difference between Joan of Arc 
and Noah's ark ? One was Maid of Orleans, 
the other was made of wood. 

Where did Noah strike the first nail in the 
ark ? On the head. 

Why was Eve not afraid of the measles? 
Because she'd Adam (had 'em). 

What church did Eve belong to? Adam 
thought her Eve-angelical. 



Iff 

What two anin^als carried the least into the 
ark ? The fox and. cock, because they carried 
only a brush and comb between them. 

Who had the first entrance into a theatre ? 
Joseph, when he was taken from the family 
circle and put into the pit. 

In what place did the cock crow so loud that 
all the world heard him ? In the ark. 

What became of Lot when his wife was 
turned into a pillar of salt ? He took a fresh 
one. 

Who first introduced salt meat into the navy 
Noah, when he took Ham into the ark. 

What animal took most baggage into th f 
ark ? The elephant, who took his trunk. 

What confection did they have in the ark ? 
Preserved pairs (pears). 

What man mentioned in the Bible had no 
father ? Joshua, the son of Nun. 

What reason have we to think that Moses 
wore a wig ? Because he was sometimes seen 
with Aaron and sometimes without 'Air on 
(hair on). 

Why was Noah like a hungry cat ? Because 
he went forty days and forty nights without 
finding Ararat. 



122 



If Solomon was the son of David and Joab 
was the son of Zeruiah what relation was 
Zeruiah to Joab ? His mother. 

Note. — Most persons will answer "his father," 
not remembering that Zeruiah was a woman. 

If " Moses was the son of Pharaoh's daugh- 
ter/ ' then he must have been the daughter 
of Pharaoh's son. 

Note.— -Most persons will say that it was im- 
possible for Moses to have been a daughter, etc. 
It will aid in understanding it to connect the 
words thus ; " daughter-of-Pharoah/s son. ,, 



Poetical Conundrums 



Poetical Conundrums 



Legs I have, but seldom walk ; 
I backbite all, yet never talk. 

A flea. 

I came to a field and couldn't get through it ; 
So I went to a school and learned how to do it. 

Fence. 
My first I hope you are, 
My second I see you are, 
My whole I know you are, 

Wel-come. 

My first's a dirty little brute, 
My second's at the end on't ; 
My third like many an honest man. 
Is on a fool dependent. 

Pig-tail, 
i 
By equal division — I know I am right — 
The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight. 

XIII JHj VIII. 

My number, definite and known, 
Is ten times ten told ten times o'er ; 

One-half of me is one alone, 
The other exceeds all count and score. 

Thou-sand. 
I?5 



1*6 

There's a word composed of three letters alone, 
Which reads backwards and forwards the 
same; 
It expresses the sentiments warm from th% 
heart, 
And to beauty lays principal claim. 

^ Eye. 

The cat did my first with a curl of her tail, 
When the game she had made quite secure 

By means of my second and not of my whole, 
As she ought to have done, I am sure. 

Pur-chase- 

Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, 

Who is that highly favored man, 

Who though he has married many a wife, 

May still live single all his life ? 

A clergyman. 

Can you tell me why a hypocrite's eye 
Can better descry than you or I, 
On how many toes a pussy cat goes ? 

A man of deceit can best count-er-feit ; 

And so, I suppose, can best count her toea 

Without my first you'd look very strange, 
My second you much want to be ; 
My whole is what many a lady has worn, 
At a ball, an assembly, or play. 

Nose-gay, 



**7 

Two letters often tempt mankind, 
And those who yield will surely find 
Two others ready to enforce 
The punishment that comes of course. 

X-S and D-K (excess and decay). 

My first doth affliction denote, 
Which my second is destined to feel ; 

My whole is a sweet antidote 
That affliction to soothe and to heal. 

Wo-man ! 

My first of anything is half, 

My second is complete ; 
And so remains until once more 

My first and second meet, 

Semi-circle. 

My first makes company, 
My second shuns company, 
My third assembles company, 
My whole puzzles company. 

Co-nun-drums. 

Safe on a fair one's arm my first may rest, 
And raise no tumult in a husband's breast ; 
To those who neither creep, nor run, nor fly, 
The want of legs my second will supply. 
My whole's a rival of the fairest toast, 
And when I'm liked the best I suffer most 

Muf-fiu, 



I2S~ 

What is that which is 
The beginning of eternity, 
The end of time and space, 
The beginning of every end, 
The <md of every race ? 

Letter E. 

Your initials begin with an A, 

You've an A at the end of your name, 

The whole of your name is an A, 
And its backward and forward the same. 

Anna! 

We are airy little creatures, 

Each have different forms and features ; 

One of us in glass is set, 

Another you will find in jet ; 

A third, less bright, is set in tin, 

A fourth a shining box within ; 

And the fifth, if you pursue, 

It will never fly from you. 

Vowels. 

My first a baby does when you pinch it ; 

My second a lady says when she doesn't mean 

it; 
My third exists and no one e'er has seen it ; 
And my whole contains the world's best half 

within it. 

Cri-no-line, 



129 

Formed long ago, yet made to-day, 
I'm most employed while others sleep ; 

What none would like to give away, 
Yet no one likes to keep. 

Bed. 

What's that? What's that? Oh! I shall 
faint, 

Call, call the priest to lay it ! 
Transpose it, and to king and saint, 

And great and good you pay it. 

Spectre; respect 

How shall the following be read ? 

Yy u r yy u b 
I c u r yy 4 me. 
Answer.— -Too wise you are, 

Too wise you be ; 
I see you are 
Too wise for me. 

How shall the following be read ? 
U o a o, but I o thee ; 

O o no o, but O o me ; 
Then let my o thy o be 

And give o o I o thee. 

Answer. — 
Yon sigh for a cipher, but I sigh for thee ; 

Oh ! sigh for no cipher, but oh ! sigh for me ; 
They let my cipher thy cipher be ; 

And give sigh for sigh, for I sigh for thee. 



How shall the following stanza be read that 
it may be true ? 

There is a lady in the land 
With twenty nails on each hand, 
Five-and-twenty on hands and feet, 
This is true without deceit. 

Answer. — 

There is a lady in the land 
With twenty nails ; on each hand 
Five, and twenty on hands and feet, 
This is true without deceit. 



French Conundrums 



French Conundrums 



Je suis le capitaine de vingt quatre Soldats, 
et sans moi Paris serai t pris. 

The letter A. 

Pourquoi les amateurs du beau sexe vont-ils 
sou vent k V hippodrome ? 

Afin d'etre en cerque assis 

Quelle difference y-a-t-il entre le souverain 
de la Perse et le Viceroi d'Egypte. 

C'est que Tun est chat (Shah) et P autre pa^ 
chat (Pacha). 

Quel est le peuple le moins gai de Punivers ? 

Le peuple Persan, parse qu'el est gouverne 
par un Schah (chat), et que le schah fait fuir 
les souris. 

A French friend wishes to know : Vai ze 
Keeng ov Eatalee ees laike von seengair at ze 
opera oo ees loozeng ess voice ? 

Parce qu'il a perdu sa voix (Savoie). 

Pourquoi les Carthagenois portaient-ils tou- 
jours des gants ? 

Parce qu'ils n'aimaient pas Pair aux mains 
(les Romans) ! 

133 



134 

Quand tin gant resemble-t-il an numero 
vingt-cinq. 

Quand il est neuf et tres etroit (et treeze et 
trois) ! 

Un felon peut-il prendu pour devise, — " Hon- 
neuraDieu"? 

Non, car il faut qu'il dise, — " Adieu, hon- 
neur ! " 

Je ne suis par ce que je suis ; car si j'etais ce 
que suis, je ne serais pas ce que je suis, cepen- 
dant je suis ce que je suis ; devinez que je suis ? 

Un domestique qui suit sa maitresse. 



Arithmetical Puzzles 



Arithmetical Puzzles 



Write eleven thousand eleven hundred z^A 
eleven. 

Method.— 11,000+1,100+11=12,111, 

What four United States coins will amount Jo 
fifty-one cents ? 

Answer. — Two twenty-five cent pieces \ , ' 
two half cents. 

Place three 6's together so as to amount t< 

Method.— 6£— 7 

Place three 2's together so as to make 24J 
Method. — 22 + 2=24 

Place three 3's together so as to make 24. 
Method.— 3^-3=24. 

Take one from nine and make it ten. 
Method. — Write nine thus, IX ; take away 
the I we have X. 

Add one to nine and make it twenty. 
Method.— Nine is IX ; cross the I we have 

-137 



13$ " 

Prove that one taken from nineteen leaves 

twenty. 

Method.— Take Hie I from XIX, and we 
have XX. 

Make four straight lines and then add five 
straight lines and make ten. 

Method.— Mil; TEN. 

Prove that the half of eleven is six. 

Method. — In XI draw a line thus, J{, the 
upper half is VI. 

Prove that one added to twenty is nineteen. 
Method.— Add I to XX we have XIX. 

What number of three figures multiplied by 
ill make exactfy 10? 

Answer. — 1% or 1.25. 

Does the top of a carriage-wheel move faster 
than the bottom ? If so, explain the reason. 

Answer.— The top always moves faster than 
the bottom. 

Which is greater, and how much, six dozen 
dozen or a half a dozen dozen ; or is there no 
difference between them ? 

The former. 



139^ 

Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound 
of feathers ? 

Answer. — The pound of feathers, because 
it is weighed by Avoirdupois weight, while, 
gold is weighed by Troy weight. I 

Take fifty, add a cipher, add five, add the 
fifth of eight, and the total is the sum of 
human happiness. 

Answer. — IyO VE. 

Six ears of corn are in a hollow stump ; how 
long will it take a squirrel to carry them all out 
if he takes out three ears a day ? 

Remark. — The ' l catch ' ' is on the word ears . He 
takes out two ears on his head and one ear of corn 
each day ; hence, it takes six days. 

How to prove, by mathematical principles, 
that two unequal numbers are equal, as 4=2. 

Method.— All will admit that 8-8=4-4. 
Divide both of these by 2-2, and the quotient 
will be equal. Thus, 

8 — 8 4—4 

=3 — " , or 4=2 

2 — 2 2 — 2 

Supposing there are more persons in the 
world than any one has hairs on his head ; 
then there must be at least two persons who 
have the same number of hairs on their head 
to a hair. Show how this is. 




B 



U 



140 

Flace 17 iitHe sticks— matches lor 
instance — making 6 equal squares, 
as in the margin. Then remove 5 
sticky, and leave three perfect squares 
of tlie same size. 

Answer — The method of doing this 
is indicated in the margin of this 
answer. 

A and B have an 8 gallon cask full of wine, 
which they wish to divide into two equal parts, 
and the only measures they have are a 5- 
— 11^1 cask and a 3-gallon cask. How shall 
they make the division with these two vessels ? 

Method. — First fill the 3-gallon cask from the 
8-gallon cask ; then pour these 3 gallons into the 
cask ; then fill the 3-gallon cask again, 
the 5-gallon cask from the 3-gallon cask ; 
this v ill leave 1 gallon in the 3-gallon cask ; then 
empty the 5-gallon cask i# nto the 8-gallon cask, 
pour the 1 gallon from the 3-gallon cask into the 
5-gallon cask, and fill the 3-gallon cask from the 
8-gallon cask. There will then be 4 gallons in the 
8-gallon cask. 

Two men in an oyster saloon laid a wager as 
to which could eat the most oysters. One ate 
ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred, and 
won. How many did both eat ? 

Remark. — The catch is on a hundred and won. 
When spoken it sounds as if it xneant "one ate 
ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred and one ;" 
hence, the result usually given is two hundred. 
The correct result is one hundred and ninety-nine 



*4* 

If a room with 8 corners had a cat in each 

corner, seven cats before each cat, and a cat on 
each cat's tail, what would be the whole num« 
ber of cats ? 

Answer. — Eight cats. 

Tell a person to think of a number, multiply 
by 3, multiply the product by 2, divide the re- 
sult by 6, add 25, subtract the number thought 
of, divide by 4, and then tell him what his re- 
sult is. 

Method. — The result will be five. The reason 
is clear. By multiplying by 3 and 2 and dividing 
by 6 he has obtained the number thought of. Add 
20, he has the number thought of, plus 20 ; then 
subtract the number thought of, and he has 
twenty. Now I know he has twenty ; hence, I can 
tell him what he has if he divides by 4. 

A farmer having an ox-chain consisting of 
15 links, broke it into five equal parts, and took 
it to a blacksmith to be welded together. The 
blacksmith agreed to repair it for 50 cents for 
each welding ; but when he presented his bill 
he charged for four weldings, making the bill 
$2.00. The farmer objected to the bill, saying 
that it should have been repaired with only 
three weldings. How was it to be done ? 

Method. — Each piece consisted of three links ; 
cut open the three links of one piece and use the^w 
to connect the other four pieces of the chain. 



I 4 2 

Think of a number, multiply by six. divide 
by three, add forty, divide by two ; name the 
result, and I will name the number thought of. 

Method.— -Multiplying by six and dividing by 
three gives twice the number ; add forty we have 
twice the number, plus forty, divide by two we 
have once the number, plus twenty ; hence, if I 
subtract twenty from the result he gives me I have 
the number thought of. 

I<et a person select a number greater than i 
and not exceeding 10. I will add to it a num- 
ber not exceeding 10, alternately with himself; 
and, although he has the advantage in select- 
ing the number to start with, I will reach the 
even hundred first. 

Method. — I make my additions so that the 
sums are 12, 23, 34, 45, etc., to 89, when it is evi- 
dent I can reach the hundred first. With one who 
does not know the method, I need not run through 
the entire series, but merely aim for 89, and when 
the secret of this is seen aim at 78, then 67, etc. 

Think of a number of 3 or more figures, 
divide by nine, and name the remainder ; erase 
one figure of the number, divide by 9, and tell 
me the remainder and I will tell you what 
figure you erased. 

Method. — If the second remainder is less than 
the first, the figure erased is the difference between 
the remainders ; but if the second remainder is 
greater than the first, the figure erased equals 9, 
minus the difference of the remainders, 



«43 

£et a person think of any number on the dial 
face of a watch. I will then point to various 
numbers, and at each he will silently add one to 
the number selected, until he arrives at twenty, 
which he will announce aloud ; and my pointei 
will then be on the number he selected. 

Method. — I point promiscuously about the face 
of the watch until the eighth point, which should 
be on the "12." I then pass regularly around 
toward the "1" pointing at "11," "10," "9," 
etc., until " twenty " is called, when my pointer 
will be over the number selected. 

Take nine from six and ten from nine and 
fifty from forty, and six will remain. 
SIX IX XI, 

IX _X I, 

~S~ I x 

Two-thirds of six is nine, one-half of twelve 
is seven, the half of five is four, and six is 
half of eleven. 

Method.— Two-thirds of vSIX is IX, the upper 
half of XII is VII, the half of FIVE is IV, and the 
upper half of XI is VI. 

Two men have 24 ounces of fluid which they 
wish to divide between them equally. How 
shall they effect the division, provided they 
have only three vessels ; one containing 5 oz., 
the other 11 oz., and the third 13 oz. ? 

Method. — The method is similar to the divisios 
of 8 gallons in the question on page 78. 



Three persons own 51 quarts of rice, and 
have only two measures ; one a 4-quart, the 
other a 7-quart measure. How shall they 
divide it into three equal parts ? 

Method.— -One-third of 51 is 17 ; so each must 
have 17 quarts. To measure 17 quarts fill the 7- 
quart measure twice and pour into some large 
vessel, making 14 quarts ; then fill the 7-quart 
measure, draw off 4 quarts in the 4-quart measure, 
and then pour the remaining 3 quarts in the vessel 
containing the 14 quarts. 

Think of a number composed of two unequal 
digits, invert the digits, take the difference 
between this and the original number, name 
one of the digits and I will name the other. 

Method. — The sum of the digits in the differ- 
ence is always nine ; hence, when one is named 
the other equals 9, minus the one named. 

Take any number, consisting of three con- 
secutive digits and permutate them, making 6 
numbers, and take the sum of these numbers, 
divide by 6, and tell me the result and I will 
tell you the digits of the number taken. 

Method.— The quotient consists of three equal 
digits ; the digits of the number taken are : 1st. 
one of these equal digits ; 2d. this digit increased 
by a unit ; 3d. this digit diminished by a unit. 
Ine same principle holds when the digit* of the 
number taken differ by 2, 3, or 4, It is a very 
pretty problem to prove that the sum is always 
divisible by 9 and i& 



145 

Take any number, divide it by 9, and name 
the remainder. Multiply the number by some 
number which I name, and divide the product 
by 9, and I will name the remainder. 

Method. — To tell the remainder, I multiply the 
first remainder by the number by which I told 
them to multiply the given number, and divide 
this product by 9. The remainder is the second 
number obtained . 

Think of a number greater than 3, multiply 
it by 3 ; if even, divide it by 2 ; if odd, add 1, 
and then divide by 2. Multiply the quotient 
by 3 ; if even, divide by 2 ; if odd, add 1, and 
then divide by 2. Now divide by 9 and tell the 
quotient without the remainder, and I will tell 
you the number thought of. 

Method. — If even both times, multiply the quo- 
tient by 4; if even 2d and odd 1st, multiply by 
4 and add 1 ; if even 1st and odd 2d, multiply by 
4 and add 2 ; if odd both times, multiply by 4 and 
add 3. 

Suppose it were possible for a man in Cin- 
cinnati to start on Sunday noon, when the sun 
is in the meridian, and travel westward with 
the sun so that it might be in his meridian all 
the time. Now it was Sunday noon when he 
started, it has been noon with him all the way 
round, and is Monday noon when he returns. 
The question is, at what point did it change 
from Sunday noon to Monday noon ? 



146 

Take any number, subtract the sum of the 
digits, strike out any digit from the remainder, 
tell me the sum of the remaining digits, and I 
will tell you the digit struck out. 

Method. — Subtract the "sum of the remain- 
ing digits' ' from the smallest multiple of nine 
greater than "the sum." The remainder will be 
the digit struck out. 

In the bottom of a well, 45 feet deep, there 
was a frog which commenced traveling toward 
the top. In his journey he ascended 3 feet 
every day, but fell back 2 feet every night. In 
how many days did he get out ? 

Method. — He gains 1 foot a day, and in 42 days 
he is 3 feet from the top ; and on the 43d day he 
reaches the top. 

Think of any three numbers less than 10. 
Multiply the first by 2 and add 5 to the pro- 
duct. Multiply this sum by 5 and add the 
second number to the product. Multiply the 
last result by 10 and add the third number to 
the product ; then subtract 250. Name the re- 
mainder and I will name the numbers thought 
of and in the order in which they were thought 
of. 

Method. — The three digits composing this re- 
mainder will be the numbers thought of ; and the 
order in which they were thought of will be th* 
#rder of hundreds, tens, and units- 



H7 

If a man had a triangular lot of land, the 
largest side being 136 rods, and each of the 
other sides 68 rods ; what would be the value 
of the grass on it at the rate of $10 an acre ? 

Remark.— The " catch' ' in this is that the 
sides given will form no triangle. 

Says A to B : " Give me four weights and I 
can weigh any number of pounds not exceed- 
ing 40. ' 9 Required the weights and the method 
of weighing. 

Answer. — The weights are 1, 3, 9, and 27 pounds. 
In weighing we must put one or more m both 
scales, or some in one scale and some in another : 
thus, 7 lbs.=9 lbs.+l lb. — 3 lbs. 

Three men traveling with their wives came 
to a river which they wished to cross. There 
was but one boat and but two could cross at 
one time ; and since the husbands were jealous 
no woman could be with a man unless her own 
husband was present. In what manner did 
they get across the river ? 

Method. — Let the persons be denoted A, B, and 
C, and Mrs. A, Mrs. B, and Mrs. C. First Mr. A 
and Mrs. A go over ; then A comes back and Mrs. 
B and Mrs. C go over ; then Mrs. A comes back 
and Mr. B and Mr. C go over ; then Mr. B and 
Mrs. B return and Mr. A and Mr. B go over ; then 
Mrs. C returns and Mrs. A and Mrs. B go over ; 
then Mr. C returns and takes his wife, Mrs. C, 
aver. 



148 



L 



A man having a fox, a goose, and some cora 
came to a river which it was necessary to cross. 
He could, however, take only one across at a 
time, and if he left the goose and corn while he 
took the fox over, the goose would eat the 
corn ; but if he left the fox and goose, the fox 
would kill the goose. How shall he get them 
all safely over ? 

Method. — First he takes the goose over, then 
returns and takes the fox over, then brings the 
goose back and takes the corn over, and then re- 
turns and takes the goose over again. 

How may the 9 digits be ar- 
ranged in a rectangular form 
so that the sum of any row, 
whether horizontal, vertical, 
or diagonal, shall equal 15? 

Answer.— As in the mar- 
gin. 



How may the first 
16 digits be arranged 
so that the sum of the 
vertical, the horizontal, 
and the two oblique 
rows may equal 34 ? 

Answer.-— As in the 
margin. 



4 


9 
5 

1 


2 


3 


7 


8 


6 



1 


16 


11 


6 


13 


4 


7 


10 


8 


9 
5 


14 


3 


12 


2 


is 



*I49 



In what man- 
ner may the first 
25 digits be ar- 
ranged so that 
the sum of each 
row of five fig- 
ures may equal 

65? 

Answer. — As 
in the margin. 



I 


10 


12 


18 


H 


9 


II 


20 


22 


3 


13 


19 


21 


5 


7 

i 


17 


23 


4 


6 


i 
15 


25 


2 


8 


14 


16 



An old Jew took a diamond cross to a jew- 
eler to have the diamonds reset, and fearing 
the jeweler might be dishonest, he counted the 
diamonds and found that they numbered 7 in 
three different ways. Now the jeweler stole 
two diamonds, but arranged the remainder so 
that they counted 7 each way as before. How 
was it done ? 



Method. — The form of the 
cross when left is represented 
by Fig. 1, and when returned 
by Fig. 2. It will be seen by 
the figures how the diamonds 
wer* counted by the old Jew, 
and how they were arranged by 
the jeweler, who "jewed" the 
Jew, 



Fig. 1. 


Fig. «. 


7 


7 


6 


767 


76567 


5 


4 


4 


3 


3 


2 


2 


I 


I 



150 

Take 10 pieces of money, lay them in a row» 
Hfid require some one to put them together into 
heaps of two in each heap by passing each piece 
over two others. 

Method. — Let the pieces be denoted by the 
numbers i, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Then place 7 
on 10, 5 on 2, 3 on 8, 1 on 4, and 9 on 6. 

A man goes to a store and purchases a pair 
of boots worth $5 and hands out a $50 bill to 
pay for them. The merchant, not being able 
to make the change, goes over the street to a 
broker and gets the bill changed and then re- 
turns and gives the man who bought the boots 
his change. After the purchaser of the boots 
had been gone a few hours the broker, finding 
the bill to be a counterfeit, comes and demands 
$50 of good money from the merchant. How 
much does the merchant lose ? 

Remark. — At first glance some say $45 and the 
boots, some $50 and the boots, some $95 and the 
boots, and others $100 and the boots. Which is 
correct? 

A vessel with a crew of 30 men, half of 
whom were black, became short of provisions 
and fearing that unless half the crew were 
thrown overboard all would perish, the captain 
proposed to the sailors to stand upon deck in a 
row and every ninth man be thrown overboard 
until half the crew were destroyed. It so hap- 



r i5* 

pened that the whites were saved. Required, 
the order of arrangement. 

Answer.— W WWWBBBBBWWBWW 
WBWBBWWBBBWBBWWB. This 
can easily be proved by trial, using letters or figures 
to represent men. 

Suppose a hare is 10 rods before a hound, 
and that the hound runs xo rods while the hare 
runs i rod. Now, when the hound has run jo 
rods the hare has run i rod ; hence they are 
now i rod apart, and when the hound has run 
that one rod the hare has run ^ of a rod ; hence 
they are now -fa of a rod apart, and when the 
hound has run the ^ of a rod they are T ^ of 
a rod apart ; and in the same way it may be 
shown the hare is always T \ of the previous 
distance ahead of the hound ; hence the hound 
can never catch the hare. How is the contrary 
shown mathematically? How far will the 
hound run to catch the hare. 

Answer. — The distance the hound runs will be 
represented by the series io+i+yVt-r^+TTrW* to 
infinity. The sum of this series can be found by 
the algebraic formula S= ~b * n w hich £=io and 
7*=^. Substituting the value of a and r we havcf 

This may be solved more simply as follows ; 
The hound runs 10 times as fast as the fox, hence 
10 times the distance the fox runs equals the dis- 
tance the hound runs. Then 10 times the distance 



152 

tke w~ runs, minus once the distance the fox runs, 
which is q times the distance the fox runs, is 10 
rods ; and once the distance the fox runs is J of 10 
rods, or *£ rods ; and 10 times fhe distance the fox 
runs, or the distance the hound runs, is 10 times 
\? or -4*, or ni rods. 

If through passenger trains, running to and 
from Philadelphia and San Francisco daily, 
start at the same hour from each place (differ- 
ence of longitude not being considered) and 
take the same time — seven days —for the trip, 
how many through trains will the Pacific Ex- 
press, that leaves the San Francisco depot at 
9 p. m. Sunday, have met when it reaches the 
Philadelphia depot ? 

Answer.— As the Pacific Express starts from 
San Francisco, a train which left Philadelphia the 
previous Sunday reaches San Francisco, which is 
mot to be counted as a meeting of trains. There are, 
however, six other trains on the way which it will 
meet. Also, a train starts from Philadelphia on 
the same Sunday as the train starts from San 
Francisco, another on Monday, another on Tues- 
day, etc., up to Saturday — that is, seven trains, 
all of which it meets, making, with the six trains 
previously started, thirteen trains in all which 
it meets. A train leaves Philadelphia on Sunday 
at the same time the Pacific Express reaches there, 
but this is not counted as a meeting. 

A switch siding to a single-track railroad is 
just long enough to clear a train of eight cars 
and a locomotive. How can two trains of six 



*53 

teen cars and a locomotive, each going in oppo- 
site directions, pass each other at this siding 
and each locomotive remain with, and have the 
same relative position to its own train after as 
before passing ? 

Answer.— Let one train d 

and its locomotive be de- 
noted by A, and the other . 
train and locomotive by B, ^~" c <* 

and let the track be denoted by a b and the siding 
by cd, and suppose train A to be going in the di- 
rection of a b, and train B in the direction of b a. 
Then let locomotive B, with eight cars, run out 
towards, paste, and back up on the siding with 
its eight cars ; then let train A run out toward b, 
paste; then let B draw its eight cars on to the 
main track and run out toward a ; then let train 
A back over toward a, past e, and locomotive A be 
detached from train A and run over toward b and 
connect with the eight cars of train B and draw 
them over past e, and back them up on the siding, 
and then run off the siding and connect again with 
its own cars and run on toward b> paste/ then let 
locomotive B back its eight cars and, turning on 
the siding, connect the two halves of its train raid 
move off past a, the train A moving on at the same 
time past b. 

A and B went to market with 30 pigs each. 
A sold his pigs at 2 for $1, and B sold his pigs 
at the rate of 3 for $1, and they, together, re- 
ceived $25. The next day A went to market 
alone with 60 pigs, and, wishing to sell at the 



-154 

4ame rate, sold them 5 for $2, and received 
only $24. Why should he not receive as much 
as when B owned half of the pigs ? 

Answer. — The rate of 2 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for 
$J, and the rate of 3 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $} ; the 
average rate is 2 pigs for $i+$h or $f , or 1 pig for 
$/ ? . The rate of 5 pigs for $2 is 1 pig for $f . 3o 
it is seen that the reason A aid not receive as much 
is that he sold his pigs at a less rate than wl ;: 
they both went to market. 

Two hunters killed a deer and sold it by the 
pound in the woods. They had no proper 
means of weighing it, but knew their own 
weights— one 130 pounds and the other 190 
pounds. They placed a rail across a fence so 
that it balanced with one of them on each end. 
They then exchanged places, the lighter man 
taking the deer in his lap, and the rail ag*in 
balanced; what was the weight of the deer ? 

Answer. — Let the weight of the deer be denoted 
by D ; then, by the principles of the lever, we 
have the proportion : 

130 : 190 = 190 : 130 + D ; 
Or, 130 (130 + D) = 190 X 19° J 
Whence, 16900 + 130 D = 36100 ; 
Or, 130 D = 19200 ; 

And, D=I47tV 

Who can solve the following problem ? 
A hundred and one by fifty divide, 
hud next let a cipher be duly applied, 




155 

And if the result you should rightly divine, 
You'll find that the whole makes but one out 
of nine. 

Explanation.— CI, CU, CLIO (Clio, the muse 
of history, one of the nine muses). 

Suppose the figure to 
represent railroad tracks, 
C D and E F being each 
the length of a car or loco- 
motive, and a and b each representing a car on 
the track and c representing a locomotive on 
E F. Now how can the locomotive change the 
relative position of a and b so that b will be on 
the track where a is and a will be on the track 
where b is ? 

Answer. — The locomotive c backs a down and 
out toward A, then runs over toward B and backs 
b up on E F, then runs back toward B and goes 
over toward A, then runs up C E and draws b down 
on CE. then runs over toward A and gets car a, 
draws it over toward B and backs it up on D E. It 
can also be readily done by first backing a down 
on A C and drawing to and leaving it on C D. 



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ETIQUETTE There is no panport to good society 
By Agnes H. Morton like good manners. <J Even though one 
possess wealth and intelligence, his suc- 
cess in life may be marred by ignorance of social customs. 
^ A perusal of this book will prevent such blunders. It is 
a book for everybody, for the social leaders as well as for 
those less ambitious. €f The subject is presented in a bright 
and interesting manner, and represents the latent vogue. 

LETTER WRITING Why do moft persons dislike to 
By Agnes H. Morton write letters ? Is it not because 

they cannot say the right thing in 
the right place ? This admirable book not only shows by 
numerous examples just what kind of letters to write, but by 
directions and suggestions enables the reader to become an 
accomplished original letter writer. <| There are forms for all 
kinds of business and social letters, including invitations, 
acceptances, letters of sympathy, congratulations, and love 
letters. 

QUOTATIONS A clever compilation of pithy quota- 
By Agnes H. Morton tions, selected from a great variety of 
sources, and alphabetically arranged 
according to the sentiment. €| In addition to all the popular 
quotations in current use, it contains many rare bits of prose 
and verse not generally found in similar collections. ^ One 
important feature of the book is found in the characteristic 
lines from well known authors, in which the familiar sayings 
sure credited to their original sources. 

8 



EPITAPHS Even death has its humorous side. 

By Frederic W, Unger fl There are said to be "sermons in 
atones," but when they are tombstones 
there is many a smile mixed with the moral. €J Usually 
churchyard humor is all the more delightful because it is 
unconscious, but there are times when it is intentional and 
none the less amusing. f§ Of epitaphs, old and new, this 
book contains the be£t. It is full of quaint bits of obituary 
fancy, with a touch of the gruesome here and there for a 
relish. 

P^OVEI^BS The genius, wit, and spirit of a nation 

By John H. Bechtel are discovered in its proverbs, and the 
condensed wisdom of all ages and all 
nations is embodied in them. €| A good proverb that fits 
the case is often a convincing argument. €J This volume 
contains a representative collection of proverbs, old and new, 
and the indexes, topical and alphabetical, enable one to find 
readily juil what he requires. 

THINGS WORTH Can you name the coldest place in 
KNOWING the United States or tell what year 

By John H. Bechtel had 445 days ? Do you know 

how soon the coal fields of the 
world are likely to be exhausted, or how the speed of a 
moving train may be told ? What should you do fir& if 
you got a cinder in your eye, or your neighbor's baby swal- 
lowed a pin ? This unique, up-to-date book answers thou- 
sands of ju& such interesting and useful questions. 

3 



A DICTIONARY OF Most of us dislike to look up a 

MYTHOLOGY mythological subject because 

By John H. Bcchtcl °f &e time required. <![ This 

book remedies that difficulty 
because in it can be found at a glance just what is wanted. 
IJ It is comprehensive, convenient, condensed, and the infor- 
mation is presented in such an interesting manner that when 
once read it will always be remembered. ^ A distinctive 
feature of the book is the pronunciation of the proper names, 
something found in few other works. 

SLIPS OF SPFECH Who does not make them? 
By John H. Bechtcl The best of us do. fl Why not 

avoid them ? Any one inspired 
with the spirit of self-improvement may readily do so. €} No 
necessity for studying rules of grammar or rhetoric when this 
book may be had. It teaches both without the study of 
either. Q It is a counsellor, a critic, a companion, and a 
guide, and is written in a most entertaining and chatty style. 

HANDBOOK OF What is more disagreeable 

PRONUNCIATION than a faulty pronunciation? 

By John H. Bechtel No other defect so clearly 

shows a lack of culture. €J This 
book contains over 5,000 words on which most of us are 
apt to trip. ^ They are here pronounced in the clearest and 
simplest manner, and according to the best authority ^ It 
is more readily consulted than a dictionary, and is just as 
reliable. 



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